Wait vs. Find

By Brittany  
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com

When we had been approved as a hopeful adoptive couple, people would ask us about being on "the waiting list." They would ask how long it was going to take for us to be at "the top of the list." The truth is, as you know, adoption through LDSFS didn't work that way. I guess there is a "list," in the sense that you can click here and search through LDSFS profiles of hopeful couples, but because it is the birth mothers who choose who the parents of their child will be, no couple has "priority" over another.

This means that some couples will be chosen with in a matter of weeks or months of being approved, while others might be chosen after years of being approved.

Because of this, as a hopeful adoptive couple, you should not rely only on your online profile to connect you with your birth mother.

In fact, even though our birth mom was going to LDSFS for adoption counseling, she did not use their itsaboutlove.org website to search for prospective parents for Liam. For her situation, she felt she needed a personal recommendation. In fact, she met with several couples before meeting us; couples that were referred to her by people she knew.

This is where the "Wait vs. Find" mentality comes into play.

W - What If?
A - Anxious
I - Insecure
T - Tense

VS

F - Faith
I - Inspiration
N - Networking
D - Divine Intervention

Are you Waiting or are you Finding?

Had we just waited to be connected with a birth mother only by and through our online LDSFS profile, we wouldn't have Liam.

In the world of infant adoption (where only 1% of crisis pregnancies end with an adoption) you have to be the one to get your name out there, and doing so helps the time pass more quickly.

Attend the temple, increase your scripture study and grow closer to the Spirit, start an adoption blog (and update it often), order pass along cards, send out a mass mailer, start a Facebook group, etc. Listen to the Spirit and do anything to build your support network.

You never know who will help you find your child.

(Brie, me, my mom Dianne, Kristina and Danielle)

(Kristina and my mom gave our pass along cards to hairstylist Danielle, who gave them to her best friend, Brie!)

Do you have any other Finding Ideas? 
Post about them on your blog!

Adopting from Foster Care

by Amanda


Just recently we adopted two great kids through the Foster Care system. We love them so much and enjoy having them as a part of our lives.

The hurdles were not fun and the classes are enough to scare a person.

I think they try to scare you in the classes to let you know the worst-case scenario. Our boys have a hard time dealing with anger or dissapointment sometimes, but that might just be an age thing. I like to think that they are pretty normal for the most part. They have blessed my life so much that I couldn't imagine my life without them.

Foster Care is an OPTION for those who are infertile and an OPTION for those who feel like this is right for them without the challenge of infertility. To be honest I was quite stuck on wanting to have a child for myself for the longest time. Finally THIS felt right for me, Foster Care.

I remember being younger and not even married when I read "Oliver Twist" and that story was so heart-wrenching for me, that it makes so much sense to me now to have read it. To be a person who is someone a child can count on for life.

I must tell you there have been so many ups and downs in my whole adventure with the boys. The first three months were so hard. Suddenly I had two boys. One of which needed to be potty-trained, and the other whose tantrums were intense. I felt overwhelmed. Time helped so much though. Shared experiences built the love that we all now have for each other.

I can't convince anyone that Foster Care is the answer. I can only tell you that I am glad that I did it. I can't gaurantee that if you do it you will be able to adopt. Often times the children go back to their birthparents. (If you want to know about children who are up for adoption go the http://www.adoptex.org/ or http://www.adoptuskids.org/.)

In our case the boys were our first placement. I was convinced that if they went back that I would try infertility treatments because I knew I couldn't handle the pain of parting with the boys only to part with more children who would become part of our family.

In regards to Foster Care here are some of the things we had to do:
The Initial Consultation (which leads to being invited to the classes or not being invited)
Taking the Classes (a month's worth twice/week)
Licensing (which includes background checks, home study, and safety requirements for your home)
Placement (which can take a while)
Monthly Home Visits from the case worker

If you have any questions about Foster Care, don't be afraid to ask.

My e-mail address is wishes4happiness at gmail dot com.

Birth Parent Gift Idea: Stuffed Animals

By Brittany of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal


A cute idea that a lot of adoptive couples do is the matching stuffed animal gift. The birth mom gets a stuffed animal and the baby has a matching one too. The adoptive couple can send photos of the baby next to his stuffed animal and the birth mom can see how much he has grown.

We decided on an elephant (Brie's favorite animal) and when we made Brie and Liam matching quilts, we made sure the fabric had an elephant on it. Brie loves her elephant because she can cuddle up with it and she likes it because Liam has a matching one of his own.

Amanda C. even has a separate blog called Gracie and the Bear where she posts monthly photos of her adopted daughter and her stuffed bear.

Birth Mother Gift Idea: Birthstone Ring

by Brittany M. of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal

(Photography by Tonja Day)

Another fun gift idea we heard of was a birthstone ring. (A nice alternative would be a necklace.) When we ordered Brie her birthstone ring, it had only been a few weeks since she told us she chose us to be Liam's parents. We had the guy (a family friend) who made my wedding ring make it for her. It has 5 stones set in a row in a white gold band. The stones alternate between Brie's birthstone (a garnet) and Liam's (a pink sapphire). I think it turned out really nice! We gave it to her on Placement Day and she loves it! She said she never takes it off.

(Thank you to Danielle who secretly found out Brie's ring size for us.) :)

Adoption: Loss, Change and Healing

(adoption photography by Tonja Day)

Last October Que and I took LDS Family Services' adoption education classes (by-the-way, I looked it up and we started them on the 17th, which, one year later would be the day Liam was placed with us). :)

We learned about how adoption can be about loss for everyone in the "adoption triad" (that consists of 1) the birth parents, 2) the adoptive couple and 3) the child).

A birth parent (and their family) can obviously feel a great deal of loss relating to the placement of a child, and they actually go through the grieving process. For the adoptive couple, adoption can sometimes be the route they take after they are faced with infertility (and that brings about feelings of grief and loss). For the adopted child, they sometimes feel a loss regarding their birth parents. They wonder what they may look like, what their personalities are like, why they were placed for adoption, how their birth parents felt about placing them for adoption, etc. and it can create a void in their life. Thankfully, open adoption (and counseling) can diminish or even dissolve those feelings of loss for everyone involved. :)

Adoption is also about positive change and the hope for a bright future.

For the adoptive couple, choosing adoption can signal a huge paradigm shift. We did not easily make the decision to adopt; we were holding on to the idea of what we thought we wanted and were not letting the Lord tell us what needed to happen. When the decision to adopt is made, the couple now sees that the Lord meant for their children to come to them a different way, and that opens up a whole new world to them. (This experience has been so humbling, educational and spiritual for us.) Of course, actually having the baby and his birth parents come into the couples' life brings lots of positive change too. :)

For the birth parent, choosing adoption can be a catalyst for positive change in every part of their lives. It can bring about that "mighty change of heart" that is spoken of in the Book of Mormon. Brie (and Danielle) are different people than they were 1 year ago. They are now so close to the Spirit and are allowing the Lord to give them the happiness they deserve. They see life in a different way and are making a difference in other people's lives as well. (We are so proud of them!)

For Liam as the adopted child, his life has changed so much already and he doesn't even know it. :) Having him come into our life has made Que and I better people and hopefully that will help us be better parents for him. We all feel that his future is so bright.

Lastly, adoption is about healing. The healing of infertility, the healing of past mistakes and the healing power of the Savior's atonement.

I don't want to totally speak for Brie on this subject (hopefully she'll write about it on her blog!) :p but from what I've seen, this experience has healed her in many areas of her life.

For us, adoption has healed a lot of our infertility emotions (it doesn't cure it though). We didn't begin the adoption process in hopes that by doing so I would "suddenly get pregnant." We have grieved the loss of the child that will never have Que's eyes and my nose and we see adoption as a valid way to build our family.

It has also (strangely enough) helped me to understand that even if we were never blessed with a child (via adoption or otherwise), that Heavenly Father still loved and valued us.

Back then, my grief over infertility was eating me alive. By (finally) submitting my will to His and more importantly, accepting His answer, I also experienced a mighty change of heart. The atonement isn't just for sins; the Savior Himself experienced anguish, sadness and loneliness and He can fully empathize with us when we are going through life's trials.

We just have to let Him.

November is National Adoption Month

"Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities. We commend all those who strengthen children and families by promoting adoption.”
~LDS First Presidency statement, Oct. 4, 2006

Take this opportunity to teach others by blogging about adoption!!