A couple months ago my sister-in-law J told me that she and my brother are expecting baby #4. She told me before they told anyone else--even the grandparents--because she was concerned about how I would feel. She was worried that I would be hurt that they are having number four while we are desperately hoping to adopt number two. I wasn't hurt. I was excited for them and excited that they live just a few minutes from us so we can be a part of this baby's life. I appreciated her concern and felt pretty special that I knew about the baby before anyone else in our families.
On Tuesday they had their ultrasound to find out the gender of #4. (They have two boys and a girl.) My brother sent me a text that read, "K (their daughter) is officially the last of the Mohicans." I assured him that K will be fine. I grew up with three brothers and no sisters and I turned out okay. He responded with, "If she's anything like her aunt, it will take three brothers to keep her line." Hey, now!
So after this fun exchange I started thinking about what really had just happened and started to tear up. No, I wasn't thinking about how wonderful it was that they're having #4 and that wasn't it neat that they had been able to see him. It hit me afresh that I will never have that experience. I will never feel a baby growing inside me. I will never have that "let's find out what kind of baby we're having" ultrasound. Never.
I couldn't believe how upset I was. I thought I was past all of that. I'm okay with our infertility (most of the time) and I love adoption, but it was like a slap in the face, reminding me that I'm different, I'm broken. I don't get to be in the club. I didn't feel like B and J were reminding me of this, but our closeness was probably the catalyst for my mini-meltdown. I love them so much and am so excited for them and feel sad that I will never get to experience the very beginnings of parenthood in the way they do.
I felt pretty sorry for myself for the rest of the day. I called my husband to tell him the news, cried a lot, and told him I wouldn't be making dinner. He's so wonderful. He brought me flowers and ordered dinner. I kind of just checked out for a while. I let him do the bedtime routine with Olivia and wallowed a bit.
Then I started remembering that Heavenly Father knows and loves me. He knows me far better than I know myself and loves me more than I am capable of imagining. He's given me everything I value (and plenty of things I don't value enough). He has plans for me. Big plans. He has given me the opportunity to be a mother through the miracle of adoption. He teaches me through my experiences--the good and the tough--and provides me the opportunity to become a better person. And sometimes I actually remember that. I think I needed that jolt of awareness this week to help me keep perspective. I am a daughter of God. He loves me and wants me to be happy. That is what I need to remember and focus on--all the time.