**This is a full uninterrupted version...**
Showing posts with label The Raw Emotions of Placement - an adoptive mom's perspective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Raw Emotions of Placement - an adoptive mom's perspective. Show all posts
Friday, June 21, 2013
Sixteen and a Mom...
All I know is I just watched this and I am still teary...ALL of you need to watch this.... birth mom's and women considering placing for Adoption should too. My husband ended up seeing it on TV about a month ago and kept saying "Deanna you have got to find this movie and watch it" I should have watched it sooner but I can see now why it touched him so dearly since Audri had just been placed with us. I am so thankful for the selfless sacrifice that Audri's birthmother made for her and us...there are no words....
Thursday, July 28, 2011
The raw emothions of Placement - an Adoptive Mom's perspective
Sarah emailed me recently to share her story and I just love it so much...I know you may think it is a little lengthy but it is sooooo good! You will love her story as much as I do...Thank you so much Sarah for sharing this with all of my readers and me! And on a personal note...thank you Sarah for your wonderful words of encouragement...it has helped me so much... -Deanna
A week before Thanksgiving we received an email from a potential birthmom, Amanda. It was short and sweet and asked a few questions. We sent one back and felt good about it but no more. We were preparing for the holiday and gearing ourselves up to make it through another childless Thanksgiving and Christmas. A day before Thanksgiving I saw that our caseworker was calling. I wasn't even excited because he called every month to see how we were doing, he is such a sweetie that way. I almost didn't answer it. Once I picked up the phone the first words out of his mouth were, "I have good news, you have been chosen." I feel guilty that I didn't have a "spiritual" moment telling me this was going to happen like other adoptive parents do. He told me the details, when she was due, and that she would contact us later. I called Alex and a few close friends and family, but kept low with the news. We had been un-chosen twice and it is hard to have hope that it would actually happen. Especially because we hadn't met her or knew anything except due date and it was a boy.
It took a whole week before Amanda contacted us again. At this point we were going crazy because we wanted to meet her and find out more. She told us that she didn't know how open she wanted the adoption to be. She also told us that she wanted to meet once to make sure. Between this time and when we met I lived in shock. I think this helped me to cope if it wasn't going to work out. I really hid my emotions from family and didn't talk about the baby. We had been waiting for this for so long that I was protecting myself.
On December 14 we met Amanda. When we met I immediately recognized her. She looked like she could have been Alex's sister! She had a familiar face and spirit. It was a wonderful experience. We went to her house and met some of her family. Everything was very comfortable and as we left Alex and I knew beyond a doubt that she was carrying our son. We also talked her into a more open adoption because we didn't want to lose contact with her ever. We loved her on first sight. Something we didn't experience with the last potential birthmoms who came into contact with us.
She wasn't due until the end of January but told us he might come a little early. On January 1st she called to say her water broke. I didn't know much about pregnancy, but thought this meant you were in labor. She said they are trying to stall labor for one week. At this time we thought we had one week. That night I went crazy and started cleaning everything and taking things out of closets. It resulted in a huge mess. I had one week to clean and prepare in my head that I started that night! A word of advice, DON'T every do that! She went into labor the next morning and Evan was born that afternoon. Her original birthplan was for us to come at 48 hours after when placement would happen. We thought this a great plan and respected her wishes. When she called that morning and told us she was getting an epidural she told us, "Get here ASAP! I changed my mind and want you here after he is born to hold him." At this time she asked us what name we had chosen. We said Evan. She was silent for awhile and it was later that she told us the Spirit was so strong at that point to her. That was the name she had secretly called him. It was the name she had chosen just for him from her. It was another confirmation that God was at work in putting us together.
We hurried and packed and left for the hospital which was about 4 hours away. We stopped at Target to get a few things to pack in a diaper bag. When we got there we went to see her and the baby. No one can adequately describe the love we had for her at the moment. We loved her. We loved that little boy and we're so happy to see him. He was hooked up to an IV because of low blood sugar but otherwise was doing great. We stayed an hour and then left to stay at her parent's house for the night.
This is where the story turns. The next day was Amanda's day with him. We planned on going to IKEA and hanging out with extended family. We weren't nervous, just happy that they both were OK and healthy. When we were at the store we received a call from Amanda's mom. She said that the doctors wanted to check out Evan for malnutrition because he was refusing to eat and threw up green bile. They did an x-ray and we waited for results. I can't tell you how terrified we were at this point. When we got to our extended family's house I went to the bathroom to cry and pray. I was reassured he would be fine and healthy. A peace came over me at this time. I'm so thankful for that because the next 30 minutes were the scariest of my life and I had to keep remembering that peace. Amanda's mom called again and said he was being lifeflighted to Primary Children's Hospital. They didn't know what was wrong, but it was beyond the scope of the doctor and he needed to see a specialist.
We weren't the official parent's of Evan yet. We couldn't make medical decisions for him or get updates straight from the doctor. Amanda's mom and her kept us updated and always told what was going on. We were so grateful for this. It was passed 11:00 that night when we got to Primary Children's. We went in to see him. He looked so little and scary hooked up to the IVs. It is such a helpless feeling to see your child in this situation. At this time we couldn't even call him "our" child either.
The next day was placement day. The strength that Amanda showed placing a child that was in the NICU will always amaze me. We didn't know what was wrong or if things would get worse. The specialists were still looking for what was wrong. This amazing woman came into the NICU to say goodbye. She did this in a room full of other sick babies and nurses. A curtain was the only privacy she had. She was only allowed to bring one person in at a time, so not all of her family could be there to support her and say goodbye together. We signed the papers in the hallway of Primary Children's NICU. This wasn't what we planned. This wasn't a hand over ceremony that was envisioned. It was heartbreaking and inadequate to what she meant to us. After signing, when we met together tears were everywhere. Nurses in the hallway were crying. Strangers started crying because they thought we just had "bad" news. Amanda's face spoke volumes to me. Her love for her little boy was written on it and I will never forget the love in her eyes or the extreme heartbreak. I struggled to speak. When I hugged Amanda's mom I remember telling her, "To take care of Amanda, we love her so much and she is so special."
That night we were at Ronald McDonald house and hoping we could leave soon. Our little boy still wouldn't eat and had bad jaundice. For two days we couldn't hold him for very long because he needed to be under lights. We texted Amanda and sent her pictures throughout the day and days that followed. We also stated updating our blog and facebook with what was happening. Evan had lots of people praying for him and the blessings we received from this were felt. He slowly started to gain strength and eat on his own. He still needed a feeding tube and at two weeks old we had hoped that we would be released soon. We let Amanda have access to come and see him whenever she wanted and she came during this time. We left her with him because we knew she didn't have as much time to hold and kiss him as she had wanted previously. The next couple of days Evan started coughing. It turned into RSV. We were devastated. My worst nightmare of calling Amanda and telling her that something else was wrong with Evan had happened. I had so much guilt over this because I was sick too with RSV. We don't know who got it first and gave it to each other. In a few days Evan was put on oxygen but eating on his own finally. After a week he got better and we had the go ahead to go home with an oxygen tank. At this time Amanda came for one more chance to see him. She had some precious time with him before we left. We were under strict orders that when we got home, that he couldn't leave the house for 4 months.
We spent 3 weeks at Primary Children's and the Ronald McDonald House. We are so grateful for the wonderful people that helped out during this time. That hospital will always be special to us and is truly one of the few places where you can feel the presence of angels. To us it is as sacred as a temple. NICU babies have a certain spirit and the love of the nurses and doctors that care for them are truly inspiring.
Coming home and bonding with Evan over what had happened was difficult for me. I still feel guilty for not being able to hold him or feed him as much as he needed during that time. Especially when we were both sick. When we were at home and taking care of him is when the "true" bonding happened for me. I remember him looking into my eyes and I saw Amanda's eyes. He looked so much like her at that moment that my heart was filled with overwhelming love. I knew I was his mother. Those eyes will always remind me that he was loved and taken care of by her first. I'm grateful that she trusted us to care and love him as much as she would. Everyday I wake up to him and marvel that I get to care for him. He truly is a joy of a child.
Every adoption story is different and I wouldn't trade mine. It was full of heartbreak, sacredness, sadness, guilt, shock, sickness, and overwhelming bittersweet joy. Now we have a strong 6 month old who is loved by many people, he is our miracle and blessing. He is who we waited for for 7 years. He came at a low point in our life when we had lost hope. He brought joy and the knowledge that "god is good", which the name Evan means.
My name is Sarah and my husband is Alex. Our adoption and placement story with Evan was very unique and came at just the right time in our lives. We had been on the adoption journey for 2 and 1/2 years before he came to us. It was a long wait but worth it. I still haven't written down our whole adoption story on our blog because I was under so much stress and disorder after placement that to process it would bring back some of those painful memories. Sometimes I wonder how I lived through those weeks following being placed with Evan. Reading the stories on here made me realize I need to tell our story and our situation.
My husband and I had been approved to adopt since fall 2008. For one full year we had no hits, no questions, and no interest. In fall 2009 we were finally contacted and a few weeks later we got the "call" that we would be parents. We had 4 months to go. At this time we felt strongly for the birthparents and truly loved them. S and J are wonderful people that we talked to and met several times. A few weeks before the birth we were told that they were reconsidering. It was a blindsided moment for us. We felt for them and knew that the decision had to be completely theirs. One day later, we were told they were parenting. We felt sorry and heartbroken for us but they are still together today and have a wonderful child. They are great parents and made the right decision. A month later we were chosen again and almost the same thing happened. We met, loved the birthmom, supported her, and then a week before birth she chose to parent. She too is doing well and is a great mother.
As you can tell we were so heartbroken and didn't know if we could go on or needed to take a break. When we went to the temple and prayed we were told to keep our profile up. We didn't have any other guidance. We just knew to trust it. Later on we found out that this is when Evan's birthmom found out she was pregnant. We hit our 2 year mark of "waiting" that fall in 2010 and it was extremely depressing. We had friends that started the adoption process with us now approved for a second placement. We wondered what seemed wrong with us. At this time we thought maybe we should try IVF again. Maybe this is a sign that adoption isn't meant for us. We prayed together again and we're told that adoption is where we need to be. This still was discouraging because we had no interest from anyone and felt burnt out from promoting ourselves.
My husband and I had been approved to adopt since fall 2008. For one full year we had no hits, no questions, and no interest. In fall 2009 we were finally contacted and a few weeks later we got the "call" that we would be parents. We had 4 months to go. At this time we felt strongly for the birthparents and truly loved them. S and J are wonderful people that we talked to and met several times. A few weeks before the birth we were told that they were reconsidering. It was a blindsided moment for us. We felt for them and knew that the decision had to be completely theirs. One day later, we were told they were parenting. We felt sorry and heartbroken for us but they are still together today and have a wonderful child. They are great parents and made the right decision. A month later we were chosen again and almost the same thing happened. We met, loved the birthmom, supported her, and then a week before birth she chose to parent. She too is doing well and is a great mother.
As you can tell we were so heartbroken and didn't know if we could go on or needed to take a break. When we went to the temple and prayed we were told to keep our profile up. We didn't have any other guidance. We just knew to trust it. Later on we found out that this is when Evan's birthmom found out she was pregnant. We hit our 2 year mark of "waiting" that fall in 2010 and it was extremely depressing. We had friends that started the adoption process with us now approved for a second placement. We wondered what seemed wrong with us. At this time we thought maybe we should try IVF again. Maybe this is a sign that adoption isn't meant for us. We prayed together again and we're told that adoption is where we need to be. This still was discouraging because we had no interest from anyone and felt burnt out from promoting ourselves.
A week before Thanksgiving we received an email from a potential birthmom, Amanda. It was short and sweet and asked a few questions. We sent one back and felt good about it but no more. We were preparing for the holiday and gearing ourselves up to make it through another childless Thanksgiving and Christmas. A day before Thanksgiving I saw that our caseworker was calling. I wasn't even excited because he called every month to see how we were doing, he is such a sweetie that way. I almost didn't answer it. Once I picked up the phone the first words out of his mouth were, "I have good news, you have been chosen." I feel guilty that I didn't have a "spiritual" moment telling me this was going to happen like other adoptive parents do. He told me the details, when she was due, and that she would contact us later. I called Alex and a few close friends and family, but kept low with the news. We had been un-chosen twice and it is hard to have hope that it would actually happen. Especially because we hadn't met her or knew anything except due date and it was a boy.
It took a whole week before Amanda contacted us again. At this point we were going crazy because we wanted to meet her and find out more. She told us that she didn't know how open she wanted the adoption to be. She also told us that she wanted to meet once to make sure. Between this time and when we met I lived in shock. I think this helped me to cope if it wasn't going to work out. I really hid my emotions from family and didn't talk about the baby. We had been waiting for this for so long that I was protecting myself.
On December 14 we met Amanda. When we met I immediately recognized her. She looked like she could have been Alex's sister! She had a familiar face and spirit. It was a wonderful experience. We went to her house and met some of her family. Everything was very comfortable and as we left Alex and I knew beyond a doubt that she was carrying our son. We also talked her into a more open adoption because we didn't want to lose contact with her ever. We loved her on first sight. Something we didn't experience with the last potential birthmoms who came into contact with us.
She wasn't due until the end of January but told us he might come a little early. On January 1st she called to say her water broke. I didn't know much about pregnancy, but thought this meant you were in labor. She said they are trying to stall labor for one week. At this time we thought we had one week. That night I went crazy and started cleaning everything and taking things out of closets. It resulted in a huge mess. I had one week to clean and prepare in my head that I started that night! A word of advice, DON'T every do that! She went into labor the next morning and Evan was born that afternoon. Her original birthplan was for us to come at 48 hours after when placement would happen. We thought this a great plan and respected her wishes. When she called that morning and told us she was getting an epidural she told us, "Get here ASAP! I changed my mind and want you here after he is born to hold him." At this time she asked us what name we had chosen. We said Evan. She was silent for awhile and it was later that she told us the Spirit was so strong at that point to her. That was the name she had secretly called him. It was the name she had chosen just for him from her. It was another confirmation that God was at work in putting us together.
We hurried and packed and left for the hospital which was about 4 hours away. We stopped at Target to get a few things to pack in a diaper bag. When we got there we went to see her and the baby. No one can adequately describe the love we had for her at the moment. We loved her. We loved that little boy and we're so happy to see him. He was hooked up to an IV because of low blood sugar but otherwise was doing great. We stayed an hour and then left to stay at her parent's house for the night.
This is where the story turns. The next day was Amanda's day with him. We planned on going to IKEA and hanging out with extended family. We weren't nervous, just happy that they both were OK and healthy. When we were at the store we received a call from Amanda's mom. She said that the doctors wanted to check out Evan for malnutrition because he was refusing to eat and threw up green bile. They did an x-ray and we waited for results. I can't tell you how terrified we were at this point. When we got to our extended family's house I went to the bathroom to cry and pray. I was reassured he would be fine and healthy. A peace came over me at this time. I'm so thankful for that because the next 30 minutes were the scariest of my life and I had to keep remembering that peace. Amanda's mom called again and said he was being lifeflighted to Primary Children's Hospital. They didn't know what was wrong, but it was beyond the scope of the doctor and he needed to see a specialist.
We weren't the official parent's of Evan yet. We couldn't make medical decisions for him or get updates straight from the doctor. Amanda's mom and her kept us updated and always told what was going on. We were so grateful for this. It was passed 11:00 that night when we got to Primary Children's. We went in to see him. He looked so little and scary hooked up to the IVs. It is such a helpless feeling to see your child in this situation. At this time we couldn't even call him "our" child either.
The next day was placement day. The strength that Amanda showed placing a child that was in the NICU will always amaze me. We didn't know what was wrong or if things would get worse. The specialists were still looking for what was wrong. This amazing woman came into the NICU to say goodbye. She did this in a room full of other sick babies and nurses. A curtain was the only privacy she had. She was only allowed to bring one person in at a time, so not all of her family could be there to support her and say goodbye together. We signed the papers in the hallway of Primary Children's NICU. This wasn't what we planned. This wasn't a hand over ceremony that was envisioned. It was heartbreaking and inadequate to what she meant to us. After signing, when we met together tears were everywhere. Nurses in the hallway were crying. Strangers started crying because they thought we just had "bad" news. Amanda's face spoke volumes to me. Her love for her little boy was written on it and I will never forget the love in her eyes or the extreme heartbreak. I struggled to speak. When I hugged Amanda's mom I remember telling her, "To take care of Amanda, we love her so much and she is so special."
That night we were at Ronald McDonald house and hoping we could leave soon. Our little boy still wouldn't eat and had bad jaundice. For two days we couldn't hold him for very long because he needed to be under lights. We texted Amanda and sent her pictures throughout the day and days that followed. We also stated updating our blog and facebook with what was happening. Evan had lots of people praying for him and the blessings we received from this were felt. He slowly started to gain strength and eat on his own. He still needed a feeding tube and at two weeks old we had hoped that we would be released soon. We let Amanda have access to come and see him whenever she wanted and she came during this time. We left her with him because we knew she didn't have as much time to hold and kiss him as she had wanted previously. The next couple of days Evan started coughing. It turned into RSV. We were devastated. My worst nightmare of calling Amanda and telling her that something else was wrong with Evan had happened. I had so much guilt over this because I was sick too with RSV. We don't know who got it first and gave it to each other. In a few days Evan was put on oxygen but eating on his own finally. After a week he got better and we had the go ahead to go home with an oxygen tank. At this time Amanda came for one more chance to see him. She had some precious time with him before we left. We were under strict orders that when we got home, that he couldn't leave the house for 4 months.
We spent 3 weeks at Primary Children's and the Ronald McDonald House. We are so grateful for the wonderful people that helped out during this time. That hospital will always be special to us and is truly one of the few places where you can feel the presence of angels. To us it is as sacred as a temple. NICU babies have a certain spirit and the love of the nurses and doctors that care for them are truly inspiring.
Coming home and bonding with Evan over what had happened was difficult for me. I still feel guilty for not being able to hold him or feed him as much as he needed during that time. Especially when we were both sick. When we were at home and taking care of him is when the "true" bonding happened for me. I remember him looking into my eyes and I saw Amanda's eyes. He looked so much like her at that moment that my heart was filled with overwhelming love. I knew I was his mother. Those eyes will always remind me that he was loved and taken care of by her first. I'm grateful that she trusted us to care and love him as much as she would. Everyday I wake up to him and marvel that I get to care for him. He truly is a joy of a child.
Every adoption story is different and I wouldn't trade mine. It was full of heartbreak, sacredness, sadness, guilt, shock, sickness, and overwhelming bittersweet joy. Now we have a strong 6 month old who is loved by many people, he is our miracle and blessing. He is who we waited for for 7 years. He came at a low point in our life when we had lost hope. He brought joy and the knowledge that "god is good", which the name Evan means.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Raw Emotions of Placement - An Adoptive Mom Perspective
Dayna emailed me last week after I posted Stacey's experience and all I can say is wow! Heavenly Father truly is amazing...I got her email when I was in the car about to go to an appt and I started to read it and was so engrossed in it that I could not leave the car til I was done reading...tears...it was so good and I am so thankful she felt compelled to email it to me and to share it with everyone that reads my blog...It is so touching...Thanks for sharing this Danya! - Deanna
Experience: Danya
I call our placement story unique knowing all placement and adoption stories are. But ours is unique in a different way then most since it was a constant stream of pure beauty and treachery (in my own mind and heart anyways). Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing! But it was also pretty hard and scary. So here's our story.
My husband and I were elated when we were matched with a set of birth parents only 4 short weeks after our profile going active with LDS Family Services. As we got to know the situation and birth parents we become slightly hesitant; perfectly amazing birth couple, supportive birth family, wanting the same amount of openness as us - it seemed too good to be true! But we trusted in Heavenly Father and the strong feelings of love he was placing in our hearts for this birth family and baby girl. Our little one wasn't due for about 6 weeks so we started to cultivate a relationship of trust and openness with her sweet birth family. Time was an interesting mix of going way too slow and way too fast during those weeks but everything was falling into place so perfectly. Together with our birth family we made a hospital plan that did not include my husband and I being there for the birth. We were slightly disappointed but knew it was for the best since our birth mother, N, and our birth father, C, had such a large supportive family that would be there at the hospital. We agreed that we would visit the day after she was born to start bonding then have placement shortly after.
We began to fantasize about our baby girl and what she might look like. We picked out her name. We would dream about touching her soft skin and bundling her up for her first car ride home from the hospital. I even packed up her coming home outfit. So you can imagine the shock that followed when our dear N called me about a week before Little Lady L was due to let us know that they had not changed their minds about the adoption plan, they were still firmly committed, BUT they needed more time with Little Lady L to say goodbye. Instead of having placement from the hospital they planned to take her home for a week so that they and their family could process their goodbyes. I remember that phone call all too clearly. Fear shot through me. I trusted N with all my heart but just a few months earlier a close friend of ours had experienced a particularly devastating failed placement. It started with the birth mother saying she needed just a couple more days, taking the baby home, and then deciding to parent. My husband and I were so torn between trust and fear that we hardly knew how to react. We told N that we trusted and supported their decision. To be honest, we were dying inside. Was this the beginning of the end? Maybe things were too good to be true.
After a phone call of tears to our amazingly patient case worker we began to pray... hard. In our minds we didn't have a choice, we just had to trust N and C that they did just need some time and that they would be honest with us if they were changing their plan to place. I became exceptionally defensive (and still am) of N and C's decision to keep her for a week. We decided we would only tell our closest family of their choice until after the fact. The last thing we needed was a barrage of well intended yet hurtful reminders of what might happen.
Finally Little Lady L's induction date came and N was put into labor. N and C were so sweet and kept us posted via text message all day long of changes in labor. At 8:41pm our Little Lady made her grand appearance into this world. It was a small picture and message but it was the sweetest one we had ever received. We were completely smitten. The next day we went to the hospital to meet our daughter. I cannot express the peace we felt as we walked into N's room and held our baby girl. In those moments we knew things would be OK. The following day N was released from the hospital and took Little Lady L home, to her birth home, in an outfit picked out by her birth mother. That hurt a little. Part of me wanted that experience so badly.
I don't know how but Heavenly Father helped us find patience and peace that week. We kept busy as possible preparing for our daughter's arrival home, to our home. We visited again that Thursday at N's house and for the first time I was able to step outside of my own selfish desires and realize why this time was so desperately needed by our birth family. I'll never forget as we were saying goodbye and walking out of the front door when our visit ended I nearly burst into tears. Not of fear or pain but of joy! The Spirit spoke so strongly to my heart that this was right. That if we were patient our time with our daughter would come but they needed her first. I was so indescribably grateful that they had chosen to take this week with her! Even today it fills my heart with joy that they had those few precious moments to cherish.
Sunday was finally here. Placement day. How do you describe placement? Pure joy for yourself. Guilt for that joy knowing your joy meant someone else's hurt. Someone you loved, no less. We arrive at N and C's LDS Family Services office and waited patiently in the lobby. They were already in the back having their last moments as Little Lady L's parents. My heart hurt so bad for them. My husband, and I sat silently across from our caseworker. I don't think words were needed as we waited. After a while N, C, their mothers, and our Little Lady entered the room. Those were tearful consuming embraces we exchanged. We sat for a while and talked about Little Lady L's health and schedule. We took some pictures and hugged some more. It was time. N was ready. I could see determination in her pained face as she gently placed our daughter in my arms. Pain, joy, and everything in between. Emotions were palpable. There weren't many words that could be said after that. Everyone could feel it. It was time to go. N and C wanted us to leave first. I don't think they could stand walking away. We understood.
Once we exited the building I stopped being strong for everyone else and cried for the first time during placement. First they were confused tears, not knowing how to feel, not knowing what I was allowed to or should feel. Finally I allowed myself a few moments of unrestrained, guilt-free joy. I wanted to jump in the air do a fist pump and yell, "Whoohoo!" I didn't. I felt the urge to run to my car and speed away so I could show my beautiful baby to the world. I didn't. I just sat down, buckled Little Lady L in snugly, kissed her cheeks, and told her how much her birth family loves her.
In the end I realized that what placement came down to. It was an act of complete and pure love."
Mrs. D
"The Adoption Advocate"
on Facebook
Experience: Danya
I call our placement story unique knowing all placement and adoption stories are. But ours is unique in a different way then most since it was a constant stream of pure beauty and treachery (in my own mind and heart anyways). Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change a thing! But it was also pretty hard and scary. So here's our story.
My husband and I were elated when we were matched with a set of birth parents only 4 short weeks after our profile going active with LDS Family Services. As we got to know the situation and birth parents we become slightly hesitant; perfectly amazing birth couple, supportive birth family, wanting the same amount of openness as us - it seemed too good to be true! But we trusted in Heavenly Father and the strong feelings of love he was placing in our hearts for this birth family and baby girl. Our little one wasn't due for about 6 weeks so we started to cultivate a relationship of trust and openness with her sweet birth family. Time was an interesting mix of going way too slow and way too fast during those weeks but everything was falling into place so perfectly. Together with our birth family we made a hospital plan that did not include my husband and I being there for the birth. We were slightly disappointed but knew it was for the best since our birth mother, N, and our birth father, C, had such a large supportive family that would be there at the hospital. We agreed that we would visit the day after she was born to start bonding then have placement shortly after.
We began to fantasize about our baby girl and what she might look like. We picked out her name. We would dream about touching her soft skin and bundling her up for her first car ride home from the hospital. I even packed up her coming home outfit. So you can imagine the shock that followed when our dear N called me about a week before Little Lady L was due to let us know that they had not changed their minds about the adoption plan, they were still firmly committed, BUT they needed more time with Little Lady L to say goodbye. Instead of having placement from the hospital they planned to take her home for a week so that they and their family could process their goodbyes. I remember that phone call all too clearly. Fear shot through me. I trusted N with all my heart but just a few months earlier a close friend of ours had experienced a particularly devastating failed placement. It started with the birth mother saying she needed just a couple more days, taking the baby home, and then deciding to parent. My husband and I were so torn between trust and fear that we hardly knew how to react. We told N that we trusted and supported their decision. To be honest, we were dying inside. Was this the beginning of the end? Maybe things were too good to be true.
After a phone call of tears to our amazingly patient case worker we began to pray... hard. In our minds we didn't have a choice, we just had to trust N and C that they did just need some time and that they would be honest with us if they were changing their plan to place. I became exceptionally defensive (and still am) of N and C's decision to keep her for a week. We decided we would only tell our closest family of their choice until after the fact. The last thing we needed was a barrage of well intended yet hurtful reminders of what might happen.
Finally Little Lady L's induction date came and N was put into labor. N and C were so sweet and kept us posted via text message all day long of changes in labor. At 8:41pm our Little Lady made her grand appearance into this world. It was a small picture and message but it was the sweetest one we had ever received. We were completely smitten. The next day we went to the hospital to meet our daughter. I cannot express the peace we felt as we walked into N's room and held our baby girl. In those moments we knew things would be OK. The following day N was released from the hospital and took Little Lady L home, to her birth home, in an outfit picked out by her birth mother. That hurt a little. Part of me wanted that experience so badly.
I don't know how but Heavenly Father helped us find patience and peace that week. We kept busy as possible preparing for our daughter's arrival home, to our home. We visited again that Thursday at N's house and for the first time I was able to step outside of my own selfish desires and realize why this time was so desperately needed by our birth family. I'll never forget as we were saying goodbye and walking out of the front door when our visit ended I nearly burst into tears. Not of fear or pain but of joy! The Spirit spoke so strongly to my heart that this was right. That if we were patient our time with our daughter would come but they needed her first. I was so indescribably grateful that they had chosen to take this week with her! Even today it fills my heart with joy that they had those few precious moments to cherish.
Sunday was finally here. Placement day. How do you describe placement? Pure joy for yourself. Guilt for that joy knowing your joy meant someone else's hurt. Someone you loved, no less. We arrive at N and C's LDS Family Services office and waited patiently in the lobby. They were already in the back having their last moments as Little Lady L's parents. My heart hurt so bad for them. My husband, and I sat silently across from our caseworker. I don't think words were needed as we waited. After a while N, C, their mothers, and our Little Lady entered the room. Those were tearful consuming embraces we exchanged. We sat for a while and talked about Little Lady L's health and schedule. We took some pictures and hugged some more. It was time. N was ready. I could see determination in her pained face as she gently placed our daughter in my arms. Pain, joy, and everything in between. Emotions were palpable. There weren't many words that could be said after that. Everyone could feel it. It was time to go. N and C wanted us to leave first. I don't think they could stand walking away. We understood.
Once we exited the building I stopped being strong for everyone else and cried for the first time during placement. First they were confused tears, not knowing how to feel, not knowing what I was allowed to or should feel. Finally I allowed myself a few moments of unrestrained, guilt-free joy. I wanted to jump in the air do a fist pump and yell, "Whoohoo!" I didn't. I felt the urge to run to my car and speed away so I could show my beautiful baby to the world. I didn't. I just sat down, buckled Little Lady L in snugly, kissed her cheeks, and told her how much her birth family loves her.
In the end I realized that what placement came down to. It was an act of complete and pure love."
Mrs. D
"The Adoption Advocate"
on Facebook
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The Raw Emotions of Placement - An Adoptive Mom's Perspective
Most of us that get on the road to adoption are like a fish out of water...we have no idea of what to expect or what to even ask...we listen and listen and try to learn but all we really know is what we want and that is a baby in our family....I think alot of things are scarier when we have no idea of what to expect, but when we know something it helps greatly...These posts are of views and experiences from women who have gone through placement. They know what it feels like to see someone make the hardest choice in their life and selflessly place their sweet baby in the hands of another who they chose to raise their baby. They know what it feels like to have a bittersweet happiness...I have asked them to share with all of us their take and how they dealt with it...be prepared they are going to tell it like it is...I wanted them to because that will help all of us...there will be no holding back..just raw unedited feelings... - Deanna
EXPERIENCE: Stacey
The Baby hunger started and we knew that we had another baby waiting for us. The emotion started for me in knowing it was my fault we couldn't conceive on our own. So many nights I had cried because of feeling guilty. After some time had passed we decided to adopt and then all I could think of was "getting" a baby. As we started our road to adopt, we had a couple of contacts along the way. I think at first I saw birth-mom's and objects. They were a baby holder for my baby. Through the process of waiting my Heavenly Father taught me a lesson of patience and compassion.
EXPERIENCE: Stacey
The Baby hunger started and we knew that we had another baby waiting for us. The emotion started for me in knowing it was my fault we couldn't conceive on our own. So many nights I had cried because of feeling guilty. After some time had passed we decided to adopt and then all I could think of was "getting" a baby. As we started our road to adopt, we had a couple of contacts along the way. I think at first I saw birth-mom's and objects. They were a baby holder for my baby. Through the process of waiting my Heavenly Father taught me a lesson of patience and compassion.
Months later we met our birth family. We saw them face to face with tears and all. It was hard to look them in the face while they talked about their baby and how much they love him. They talked about placement and it made me sick to my stomach thinking that I am the person taking this child away from them.
We were so excited to finally have our baby in our arms but we still wept for them and their pain. I emailed the family almost every day for the first couple of months. Every time he pooped, spit up, slept longer than normal. I wanted them to be apart of him, a part of us. I was of course worried that I wouldn't love him as much as my biological kids. Lucky for us that never happened. The first night he was home I knew he was ours and I loved him all the same.
I started to worry around the time he turned 2 months. He didn’t look at us, smile, or do much at all. “Oh no, he really doesn’t like us.” I thought. After meeting with our caseworker she reassured us that if he was snuggling into us and we could calm him just by holding him then we he has bonded with us.
So we went to see his pediatrician. He said that he has some concerns but to wait for his next apt and we would go from there. If I thought I felt guilty before now I really feel this over powering feeling of guilt that I have done something wrong to cause our little boy to be this way. What is wrong? What could it be? I kept this from the birth family for months, I was too scared to tell them. We later found out that he was born with underdeveloped muscles and that he would need physical therapy. I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to tell the birth family that something was wrong. Did I do this to him? What if I would have played with him more or made him do more tummy time or should I have kept the other kids away from his so that he wouldn't have gotten over simulated? I knew I had to tell them sometime.
They were going to see him again at 6 months and he still couldn't hold his head. I told them in an email around 5 months and was so thankful for their response back. They just reassured me that I was his mom and that they know they made the right decision. Still the guilt, what now?
Chris is 10 months old now. His birth parents have started to moved on, but I often wonder why can't I? Every time I look at his blonde curly hair I think of his birth Dad or his eyes and lips that he got from his birth Mom. I want them to be with us, I want them to want to be with him. I want them to be around and a part of our family. Why don't they want that? What if they don't want an open adoption anymore.
It sounds funny, I know! Before placement we were worried that they would want to be around all the time and we wouldn't want it. I guess things change, maybe it is some of the guilt that is still there, the guilt that I get to have this beautiful baby boy to love and to hold for all eternity and they get pictures. But maybe I just want to share it with them...
I love our baby boy and I love our birth family. I also love the adoption and hope to adopt again but I also pray that one day I can too move on from this guilt. I am so thankful for all that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with and the joy that our baby boy brings to my family.
**Just after I was wrote this post I was invited to go and see both the birth mom's family and the birth dad and his family and new wife. Check out our blog for the full story. I am blessed to have so many questions answered through this wonderful visit.**
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Thursday, June 30, 2011
The Raw Emotions of Placement - an adoptive mom's perspective
Most of us that get on the road to adoption are like a fish out of water...we have no idea of what to expect or what to even ask...we listen and listen and try to learn but all we really know is what we want and that is a baby in our family....I think alot of things are scarier when we have no idea of what to expect, but when we know something it helps greatly...I am starting a series of posts with views and experiences from women who have gone through placement. They know what it feels like to see someone make the hardest choice in their life and selflessly place their sweet baby in the hands of another who they chose to raise their baby. They know what it feels like to have a bittersweet happiness...I have asked them to share with all of us their take and how they dealt with it...be prepared they are going to tell it like it is...I wanted them to because that will help all of us...there will be no holding back..just raw unedited feelings... - Deanna
EXPERIENCE: Candace
(Excerpt taken from my own blog a month after Sawyer was born.)
My life has changed so much in the past month and I am happier now than I have ever been in my whole life. My love for Sawyer and his birth family grow every day. The jealously has been replaced with more honor and more gratitude for them. I feel so lucky to have an open adoption plan.
P.S. If you are interested in sharing this part of your adoption with others on this blog email Deanna at ldsadoptionconnection@yahoo.com
EXPERIENCE: Candace
Meet Candace....she had Sawyer placed with her...
(Excerpt taken from my own blog a month after Sawyer was born.)
One thing I didn't expect when I took Sawyer home was all the emotions I experienced this past month. I know what I am about to share is personal but I think it is important for people to know that are also choosing the adoption route. The first week was the hardest. I was so full of guilt. I knew Sawyer's birth family was hurting and I felt like it in some way was all my fault. I felt like the bad guy. I had this beautiful baby in my arms that I absolutely loved and I knew that could have never been if it wasn't for Sawyer's wonderful birth parents that were hurting so badly. I felt like I was so horrible for taking this baby from the only voices he knew. The only heart beat he knew. The only scent he knew. I was a complete stranger to him and I "took" him from his parents. It just didn't seem fair. I love Lauren and Jason so much and I just wanted to take them home with me.
The next feelings I felt were jealously. I was so jealous of Lauren and Jason. I wish I could have given birth to my baby so bad. Every time I looked at Sawyer, I saw their faces and not ours. He has their hands, not ours. He has their toes, not ours. I admit, it was even hard for me to give Lauren updates a little bit. It was hard trying to feel like "Mom" when I was often reminded that I wasn't his "Real Mom". I didn't know anyone that had been in my shoes and had also done an open adoption that I could talk to so I felt so horrible for having these feelings. I felt like if I said anything to anyone that it would make me look ungrateful and I was so far from being ungrateful. I felt these feelings beating me down and making it hard for me to bond with my baby.
Then one day one of the social workers came over and I just unloaded my feelings on him. He told me that all these feelings were COMPLETELY normal. I felt so relieved. He assured me that things would get better in time. The day after he left I met someone that had been in my shoes, twice. She has two adopted children that are both open adoptions. It felt so good to talk to her. We shared stories and she was a major help. She helped me see things in a different light. She told me to continue to be completely honest with Lauren and I have. She understood me so well. I love the love and relationship she has with her children's birth mother's. She said the birth moms are like sisters or sisters-in-laws to her. I understand that love and I look forward to the day Lauren and I have that kind of relationship.
The next feelings I felt were jealously. I was so jealous of Lauren and Jason. I wish I could have given birth to my baby so bad. Every time I looked at Sawyer, I saw their faces and not ours. He has their hands, not ours. He has their toes, not ours. I admit, it was even hard for me to give Lauren updates a little bit. It was hard trying to feel like "Mom" when I was often reminded that I wasn't his "Real Mom". I didn't know anyone that had been in my shoes and had also done an open adoption that I could talk to so I felt so horrible for having these feelings. I felt like if I said anything to anyone that it would make me look ungrateful and I was so far from being ungrateful. I felt these feelings beating me down and making it hard for me to bond with my baby.
Then one day one of the social workers came over and I just unloaded my feelings on him. He told me that all these feelings were COMPLETELY normal. I felt so relieved. He assured me that things would get better in time. The day after he left I met someone that had been in my shoes, twice. She has two adopted children that are both open adoptions. It felt so good to talk to her. We shared stories and she was a major help. She helped me see things in a different light. She told me to continue to be completely honest with Lauren and I have. She understood me so well. I love the love and relationship she has with her children's birth mother's. She said the birth moms are like sisters or sisters-in-laws to her. I understand that love and I look forward to the day Lauren and I have that kind of relationship.
Bonding with Sawyer was different for me. I didn't carry him for 9 months so it didn't just come the minute I held him. This may sound silly but the first real bond moment I had with him was about a week after I brought him home when I tried wearing a baby wrap someone got for me at my baby shower. I was trying it out, put him in it, and felt so close to him. I felt his little tummy move with each breath and I know he could hear my heartbeat in my chest. I felt so close to him and I didn't want to take him out of it. It was an emotion I have never felt before and I loved it. From then it just grew a little bit each day. I still put him in that wrap and just wear it around the house for no reason other than to feel close to him. I also have him sleep on my chest at night. He sleeps on Brett's chest sometimes also. It's moments like that and feelings like that that really help me feel like a mother.
He is a very alert baby and he will just stare into my eyes sometimes and make me melt. He is gaining control over his head and will follow my voice when I talk to him.
He is a very alert baby and he will just stare into my eyes sometimes and make me melt. He is gaining control over his head and will follow my voice when I talk to him.
Sawyer also love just being held. He cries when I lay him down so that makes me feel like he misses me. He is happy again when I pick him up and hold him in my arms. Sawyer is a special baby. He is helping me feel like a mom more and more every day. I have realized that even though I didn't carry him for 9 months, I am still his Mom... his Real Mom. Lauren will always be his Birth Mom and that makes him extra special because he has not only a mom but a birth mom too. He will always know his belly button is extra special because it was connected to Lauren's belly button.
My life has changed so much in the past month and I am happier now than I have ever been in my whole life. My love for Sawyer and his birth family grow every day. The jealously has been replaced with more honor and more gratitude for them. I feel so lucky to have an open adoption plan.
It's been 19 months since Sawyer was born and life couldn't be better. There is more love than I ever thought possible. It DOES get better each day. Just be patient. I wouldn't have done adoption any other way : )
P.S. If you are interested in sharing this part of your adoption with others on this blog email Deanna at ldsadoptionconnection@yahoo.com
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