Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Raw Emotions of Placement - An Adoptive Mom's Perspective

Most of us that get on the road to adoption are like a fish out of water...we have no idea of what to expect or what to even ask...we listen and listen and try to learn but all we really know is what we want and that is a baby in our family....I think alot of things are scarier when we have no idea of what to expect, but when we know something it helps greatly...These posts are of  views and experiences from women who have gone through placement. They know what it feels like to see someone make the hardest choice in their life and selflessly place their sweet baby in the hands of another who they chose to raise their baby. They know what it feels like to have a bittersweet happiness...I have asked them to share with all of us their take and how they dealt with prepared they are going to tell it like it is...I wanted them to because that will help all of us...there will be no holding back..just raw unedited feelings... - Deanna


The Baby hunger started and we knew that we had another baby waiting for us.  The emotion started for me in knowing it was my fault we couldn't conceive on our own.  So many nights I had cried because of feeling guilty.  After some time had passed we decided to adopt and then all I could think of was "getting" a baby. As we started our road to adopt, we had a couple of contacts along the way.  I think at first I saw birth-mom's and objects.  They were a baby holder for my baby.  Through the process of waiting my Heavenly Father taught me a lesson of patience and compassion.

Months later we met our birth family. We saw them face to face with tears and all. It was hard to look them in the face while they talked about their baby and how much they love him. They talked about placement and it made me sick to my stomach thinking that I am the person taking this child away from them.
In the few weeks that we had to prepare for this baby boy we had met with the birth family many times and built a good relationship with them. Then placement came... the people that we have grown to love, the people that are giving us the amazing gift walk into the room with their baby. Their eyes so puffy from crying and tears rolling down their cheeks. I wasn’t worried about the baby at that point. I just wanted to hold and hug them and make things better. I wanted to bring the baby home but also wanted them too. They could live with us ... right?

We were so excited to finally have our baby in our arms but we still wept for them and their pain. I emailed the family almost every day for the first couple of months. Every time he pooped, spit up, slept longer than normal. I wanted them to be apart of him, a part of us. I was of course worried that I wouldn't love him as much as my biological kids. Lucky for us that never happened. The first night he was home I knew he was ours and I loved him all the same.

I started to worry around the time he turned 2 months. He didn’t look at us, smile, or do much at all. “Oh no, he really doesn’t like us.” I thought. After meeting with our caseworker she reassured us that if he was snuggling into us and we could calm him just by holding him then we he has bonded with us.

So we went to see his pediatrician. He said that he has some concerns but to wait for his next apt and we would go from there. If I thought I felt guilty before now I really feel this over powering feeling of guilt that I have done something wrong to cause our little boy to be this way. What is wrong? What could it be? I kept this from the birth family for months, I was too scared to tell them. We later found out that he was born with underdeveloped muscles and that he would need physical therapy. I couldn't stop thinking about how I was going to tell the birth family that something was wrong. Did I do this to him? What if I would have played with him more or made him do more tummy time or should I have kept the other kids away from his so that he wouldn't have gotten over simulated? I knew I had to tell them sometime.

They were going to see him again at 6 months and he still couldn't hold his head. I told them in an email around 5 months and was so thankful for their response back. They just reassured me that I was his mom and that they know they made the right decision. Still the guilt, what now?

Chris is 10 months old now. His birth parents have started to moved on, but I often wonder why can't I? Every time I look at his blonde curly hair I think of his birth Dad or his eyes and lips that he got from his birth Mom. I want them to be with us, I want them to want to be with him. I want them to be around and a part of our family. Why don't they want that? What if they don't want an open adoption anymore.

It sounds funny, I know! Before placement we were worried that they would want to be around all the time and we wouldn't want it. I guess things change, maybe it is some of the guilt that is still there, the guilt that I get to have this beautiful baby boy to love and to hold for all eternity and they get pictures. But maybe I just want to share it with them...

I love our baby boy and I love our birth family. I also love the adoption and hope to adopt again but I also pray that one day I can too move on from this guilt. I am so thankful for all that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with and the joy that our baby boy brings to my family.

**Just after I was wrote this post I was invited to go and see both the birth mom's family and the birth dad and his family and new wife. Check out our blog for the full story. I am blessed to have so many questions answered through this wonderful visit.**


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