Birth Mother's Day is coming!

Birth Mother's Day is May 8th and it is coming up! Be sure to not forget that special birth mom in your life.  Tell her with flowers, a note, a text, or click here for other great gift ideas.

There is also an Adoption Celebration Walk on Saturday, May 8th.  Meet at the Provo High School track at 10:00am.

Oh, and as a matter of motherly pride, I must also tell you that my son Liam recently modeled for the r house couture.  :)  (see below) They have wonderful gifts that you could use for Birth Mother's Day as well! 

The Grieving Process

By Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com

Since grieving is a normal process that affects everyone involved in an adoption, I just wanted to post about the 5 stages of grief.  Not everyone grieves exactly according to this list of course, (some people skip steps, some don't have them at all, some go back and forth, etc.) but I think it's a good starting reference.

(Sorry, I don't mean to be Debbie Downer. LOL  I just know that Que and I didn't realize grieving was normal for a couple facing infertility -and later, adoption- and it would have helped, had I known it was normal.)

Anyway, Que and I have learned that the grieving process can begin to happen to a birth parent (and sometimes their family members) even before the baby is born and can, of course, last long after placement.  Grief can even strike on certain important dates or anniversaries, for example on the date of the adoption finalization, the temple sealing or the child's birthday.  Our adoption caseworker said she knows of a birth mom who grieves on every monthly anniversary of placement.  In our adoption classes, we also learned that birth moms can grieve about their adoption much in the same way a person would grieve the death of a loved one.

To a different degree, some adoptive couples can experience grief and loss while dealing with infertility, and even after placement.  It's important to recognize that grieving is normal and that counseling should be seriously considered (especially for birth parents and even their family members). 

The Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.
   
2. Anger.
   
3. Bargaining.
   
4. Depression.
   
5. Acceptance.
    

PS: Here is another article on grief that was passed on to me.

Thank you for your pass along cards!

I have been overwhelmed with responses to my plea for Pass Along Cards! It was wonderful!  Thank you so much for your quick responses. 

I believe I will now have more than enough to set out for display during our open house.  Thank you again!

Send Me Your Pass-Along Cards!

Are you hoping to adopt? Send me your pass along cards! They will be set out for the taking during our Open House celebrating our temple sealing to our son.

 (I wanted to make those available for guests to take since pass along cards are how our baby's birth mom found us!)

Email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com if you're interested and I will give you my address.  Thanks!
**update** Thank you for your responses!  I now have more than enough cards to set out.  It's wonderful!

Gift idea: Genealogy Book

By Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com

If you have an open adoption, this is not only a gift idea for a birth parent, it's also a gift idea for your child.  I wanted to be able to show Liam his genealogy sheets for both our family and his birth family.

What I did was fill out genealogy sheets with our ancestry information and Liam's name (and I gave a copy to his birth mom to keep) and then I gave her 2 sets of blank sheets for her to fill in the birth family's information.  One set is for her to keep and one to give back to me to put in our family history book.  (I also got from my friend Michelle, this wonderful baby book that is especially for adopted children.  On the last page it has 2 family trees, one for the adoptive family and one for the birth family.)

I hope one day Liam will enjoy having both sets of information!

Click here to start your own family history search!

Your Adoption is Unique

by Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com
(please do not copy & paste this post onto your own blog)

Because of all of the different circumstances that surround an adoption, no two adoptions are exactly alike.  Some people try to [negatively] compare an adoption that happened 30+ years ago (or even 10 years ago) to one that is happening today.  Comparing those are like comparing apples and oranges.

When people say negative comments (ie: "All adoptions are bad." or "Mine was a bad experience, so yours will be too."), you should use that opportunity to educate them about your adoption.

When people try to tell us that our adoption will turn out badly- just like another one they know of, sometimes I will say something like "I am not [the name of the person they're talking about], so the outcome will not be the same.  We all have different circumstances and we all deal with things in different ways." 

Here are some of the many variables that make each adoption unique.  These factors also shape the perspective people have about adoption:

• Where you fit in the adoption triad (big factor!)
• The year the adoption happened  (big factor!)
• Open or Closed Adoption (big factor!)
• How the adopted child was raised (big factor!)
• Level and degree of openness between the adoptive family and the birth family
• International Adoption
• Domestic Adoption
• Interstate Adoption (ICPC)
• Same-state Adoption
• Trans-racial Adoption
• Special Needs Adoption
• Foster-to-Adopt
• Infant Adoption
• Adoption of an older child
• Adoption of a sibling group
• Adoption of a child to an unmarried parent
• Adoption of a family member (i.e.: step-parent adoption or adoption of extended family member, etc.)
• State laws regarding parental relinquishment, placement of the child and finalization of the adoption
• Wait time that the adoptive family endured before placement
• Some adoptive couples have been scammed or have experienced failed placement(s)
• Adoptive Parent application process
• Counseling
• How everyone in the adoption triad dealt with the grief
• The distance between where the birth parents live from the adoptive family
• Health of the adopted child
• Birth mother's reason(s) for choosing adoption
• Birth mother's reason(s) and criteria for choosing her baby's adoptive family (how did she tell them?)
• The age of the birth parents at the time of the adoption
• Involvement of the birth father
• Involvement of the birth mother
• The amount of adoption education/counseling that the adoptive family has received
• Contact and openness the adoptive couple experiences with the birth family before placement
• The age of the child when he/she was adopted
• Support of family members of the ones directly involved in an adoption
• The circumstances surrounding the actual placement of the child (was it at the hospital, home or agency?  Were the birth parents involved or was it done by state or agency workers?)
• The child's contact and relationship with the birth family
• The adoptive couple's contact and relationship with the birth family
• In later years, did the adopted child initiate unwanted contact with a birth parent or vice versa?
• Involvement of extended members of the birth family with the adoptive family 
• If there was a contested adoption
• Use of the internet, pass along cards or other tools in the "finding process"
• Use of an adoption agency (each agency is different)
• Competency and experience of adoption caseworkers involved
• Use of an attorney only (in lieu of an agency)

All of these factors make it nearly impossible to compare adoptions (especially in a negative way).  And I hope, because of that, people will learn to put aside their own issues and celebrate when good things come of an adoption.  Even if it's not their own.