Thank you!

Dear readers:

For the longest time, I have been worried about future of this blog, and now I am so pleased to see that it is in good hands.  Thank you to everyone who has come together to make this blog a wonderful resource for those involved in adoption.  Thank you for your support!  I am sad to let this blog go, but I know it's time to do so.  It's been wonderful being a part of it!

Sincerely,
Brittany :)

What Might Have Been (Adoption Phantoms)

I wanted to do a series of posts about what I call the "phantoms" that accompany an adoption.

A "phantom" is the idea of a child that "could" have been a part of our life. The ghost of a child who may not necessarily exist, but who haunts our thoughts; one that we grieve over.

There are phantoms that haunt every member of the adoption triad and I wanted to discuss the different types, how those phantoms affect us, and how we can deal with them.

I have a collection of  posts from all members of the adoption triad, all of whom have different perspectives and experiences.

These women are amazing, and I hope you enjoy learning from them!

Stefanie: An Angel in my Heart (birth mom)

Jill: Memories were Ghosts and My House was Haunted (birth mom)

Alicia: You Know Better Than I  (hopeful adoptive mom)

Brenda: Grieving the Loss of a Baby and a Birth Mom (adoptive mom)

Kenna: The Phantoms will Fade (adoptee and adoptive mom)

Conclusion: Even His Name Would Have Been Different

The Power of Fear

I just wanted to list some of the fears that I experienced through out this whole process, in case there are people out there who think they are the only ones who feel this way. I ended up facing some of these fears and some of them, luckily, I never had to deal with:

* We'd never get chosen. (What if birth parents thought, er, realized we were too boring, dorky, churchy or "old"?)
* We'd be chosen or "matched," but we would experience a failed placement.
* I would jinx myself somehow if I bought any baby items before being chosen.
* Having to return baby stuff to the store after a failed placement.
* The people in our lives (either publicly or privately) would not support our decision to adopt or our decision to have an open adoption.
* We didn't bond with this child or our extended family didn't accept him/her.
* Our child wouldn't accept or recognize me as his/her mother.
* The birth father would not support the adoption.
* People would mistreat our birthmom because of her choice to place the baby for adoption.
* Misunderstandings between us and our birthmom.
* The baby dies. (!!)  And, what if the baby died between the time of placement and finalization?
* Other birthfamily members would take out their frustrations with the adoption on us.
* By mistake, we would somehow offend our birthmom.
* Our birthmom would be upset by a parenting choice we made or would be otherwise annoyed by us.
* Our birthmom would regret choosing us, or choosing adoption itself.
* Our birthmom would completely cut off contact and disappear after placement.
* The post-placement grief would get in the way of me being a good parent.
* The post-placement grief would never go away.
* Being stalked by unhappy birthfamily members, and then having to move or go into hiding.
* The birthfamily would take for granted our willingness to be open, and try to take advantage of us.
* Our birthmom would return to her "old ways."
* Letting bad experiences from this adoption negatively affect how we conduct our next adoption.
* Our next adoption will be much more difficult.
* People will say hurtful and inappropriate things about adoption to, or in front of, my child[ren].

And even though some of those fears were realized, I now understand that I'm strong enough to live through them. I've also learned that some of my worries (like us not bonding with our son, our son not recognizing me as his mother or the grief never going away) were unfounded time-wasters. But I also learned that some of those fears were necessary to experience, in order for me to become a better parent.

Also, writing them down somehow took away some of the "power" they had over me. I sure wasted a lot of time thinking about these things. Writing this post also helped me realize that I needed to practice exercising more faith, which is the opposite of fear. Hopefully next time we will be much more prepared for all of the complicated feelings that come with an adoption.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

~2 Timothy 1:7

Once I held my son for the first time, a lot of my fears dissolved (but then new ones cropped up). What were your adoption fears, and how did you overcome the power that they can have over you?

Be Yourself: Another Cardinal Rule

I've posted before about The Cardinal Rules of Open Adoption, which are things that we as adoptive couples shouldn't do with regards to our birth families.  Well, here is something that we shouldn't do to other adoptive couples (because it not only creates contention with other couples, it negatively impacts birth families too):

Never Plagiarize.  Be honest and be yourself.  Never copy-and-paste blog posts without giving credit to the author.  (It's nice to get permission from the author to re-publish their stuff, nevertheless, give credit by linking back to the author's original blog post!)

And certainly (I never thought I'd have to say this) never ever copy-and-paste any part of another couple's birth parent letter, or any other part of their profile into your profile or blog. 

Birth parent letters, profiles and blogs should be individualized glimpses of who you are, and it would be hurtful and deceptive to potential birth parents and to Adoption itself to portray yourself as someone else.

Can you imagine the confusion and distrust that would occur to a potential birth mom who found two identical birth parent letters?  [News Flash:  Potential birth moms read lots of other adoption blogs and profiles.]

I've been plagiarized before, multiple times.  (I seeee you and what you've done!)  But it wasn't until I read on Facebook about another adoptive mom who had been plagiarized, and I saw others comment that they too, had their birth parent letter or blog copied by another couple, that I realized how big this problem might be.

The bottom line is, if you are hoping to adopt: be confident of who you are; be yourself.  A large portion of the waiting couples are a lot alike and have a lot in common (especially in the LDSFS world).  Why in the world would you want any part of your profile to be exactly like someone else's?  Don't be afraid to showcase what makes you different- how else will you stand out among the rest?

However, if that thought frightens you, and you're not comfortable showing potential birth parents who you really are, you probably shouldn't be adopting.

Naivety, Reality and Balance

Until I experienced it myself, I don't think I fully understood what it meant to go through the entire adoption process. (From application to finalization.)

Of course, I quickly learned that it's more than just signing some forms, picking up your baby from the hospital and starting a new life as a new family.

An adoption placement brings to you and your spouse obvious feelings of gratitude, humility, joy, anticipation and pure love for each other, our Heavenly Father, birth parent[s] and of course, your new perfect baby.

But the world of post-placement in an open adoption can also be very, very complicated....  Please read the rest at Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal.

Letting Go

Earlier this month I wrote about the Cardinal Rules of open adoption and I mentioned that I learned about a few of them the hard way.  I just wanted to briefly talk about one of the rules that I broke.

This is a photo of me, my husband, and our birth mom taken last fall

Adoption photography by Tonja Day

Throughout this adoption journey, I feel like I've transformed into The Mother Bear.  And as The Mother Bear, I felt so protective of our birth mom.  (Which ultimately lead me to break Rule #3.)

For months and months I felt like it was my own personal responsibility to make sure she was right with the world.  It caused me to lose sleep and everything. The truth is, there is nothing I can do to make her feel better or feel differently.  (She even told me that herself.)

Our relationship has evolved since placement, and I've resisted certain changes.  I resisted like crazy.  And that led to mistakes.  

I learned that I need to let her be her and to let go of my self-imposed feelings of responsibility regarding her choices.

If she needs to have space to do whatever it is she needs to do, I should be ok with that.  And I am ok with it... to a certain extent.  But I still miss her.

I am learning to let go and it's difficult.  (Just so we're clear: I'm not letting go of her, I'm letting go of my anxiety which is caused by me wanting everything in her life to be ok.) I know she needs space so I now resist the urge to text her all the time.  I resist the urge to invite her on every little outing we go on.  I am also learning to resist the urge to take certain things personally.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm learning.  I just pray she can be patient with me while I do it.

The Cardinal Rules of Open Adoption

I've been thinking about all the rules that we as adoptive couples should never break and I thought I would list some of them here (I'm sure there are probably more).  But in my opinion, they include:

1. Never promise your birth mom, or other members of the birth family anything you can't (or won't) deliver.  If she/they ask you to do something you aren't comfortable with, then say that you aren't comfortable with it and come up with another solution.  Don't ever say yes to something just because you feel pressure to do so, because that will cause you major problems down the line. 
   
2. Never go back on your word.  (Unless the safety of you and/or the baby would somehow be compromised.)  This kind of goes along with the first rule- If, before the baby was born, you told her she could come to the baby's blessing, live up to your word and invite her when the time comes. 
3. Remember that it's not your responsibility to make sure your birth mom is perfectly fine with the adoption or any other aspect of her life.  Let her know that you love and accept her, and let her grieve and move forward in her own way.  Even if it's not the way you would like. 
4. Don't allow yourself to feel that you are the cause of her grief that she will feel after placement.  You are not the cause of it; in fact, you as her baby's adoptive parent are part of the solution to it.
5. Communicate with your birth mom.  It's a good idea to verify that you and she are on the same page with important issues.  Also, whenever possible, communicate directly with your birth mom (and not through a 3rd party).  Build your relationship by openly asking questions when issues come up and ask her to share her feelings.  This will eliminate a lot of problems and ultimately allow your open adoption to be an enjoyable experience.    
6. If your birth mom is pulling away from you, don't pressure her into visits.  If you have a very close relationship, try letting her be in control of requesting visits.  Pressuring her into visits when she's not ready will do more harm than good. 

I'm not saying that we've been perfect with regards to all of these rules (some of them, we learned about the hard way!) so I wanted to post them so other couples could kind of have a heads-up.

Open adoption's #1 priority is to help your child have answers about his/her adoption.  This helps avoid or minimize any feelings of loss they may feel about their adoption.  Keeping at least some kind of contact is preferable, but obviously don't engage any birth family members if they are hostile about the adoption, and/or the safety of your child is in question.


Open adoption is about trust and if you'll notice, all of those rules have to do with trust.  Show your birth mom she can trust you by telling her the truth and never going back on your word.  Trust her by letting her make her own choices with regards to her grieving process- even if that means she pulls away from you.

An open adoption relationship between a birth mom and a couple is so fragile.  I don't think a lot of people realize how fragile they can be.  Protect and guard your relationship and work on strengthening it as often as you can.   Everyone will be a lot happier if you do.  Including you!

Adoption Mythbusting

by Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal

Here are some more adoption myths.  (These were printed on a flyer that came with our orientation packet when we went to LDS Family Services for the first time.  I don't know how else to cite the origin.) Anyway, I think a lot of people out there hold on to these myths, so let's do some adoption mythbusting!

• Children who are placed for adoption are not wanted by their birth parents.
  
• Birth parents can come back and take away my adopted child.
• Adopted children are more likely to have mental and emotional problems.
• Adopted children should be spared the stigma of adoption by not telling them they are adopted until they are old enough to understand.
• Adopted children and birth parents never get over the loss of separation from each other.
• It is in the best interests of all parties that adoptions be completely closed.
• Children should always be placed with families of the same ethnicity.
• Only wealthy couples can adopt children.
• Adoption cures infertility.

Be sure to check out the links embedded in this post.  To read more adoption myths click here to read a list from ItsAboutLove.org, and click here to read a list of some of my own.

Conversation Starters: Meeting your Birth Mom

By Brittany of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal
(please do not re-publish any of this material on your blog)


June 23rd was the first anniversary of the day we met our son's birth mom for the first time.  It was on a Tuesday afternoon that we met her at her LDS Family Services agency location (we go to a different location).  We met in a large room with couches and the meeting was between my husband and I, our birth mom, our 2 caseworkers and our birth mom's friend.  I really liked having the caseworkers there to help get things moving, but once we found a topic that we had in common, our conversation just took off!

Every adoption is different, and some adoptive couples never meet their child's birth mother, but if the opportunity arises, here are some helpful conversation starters!  (Of course, the age of your birth mom will determine a lot of the questions, but here are a few to get you thinking):

• How many brothers or sisters do you have?
• Which movies are your favorite?
• Where did you grow up?
• Do you have pets?
• Do you have a favorite actor?
• What is your favorite food?
• Do you have a hobby? Do you collect things?
• Do you have college plans? 
• What is your favorite book?
• How have you been feeling? 
• Do you get crazy pregnancy cravings?
• What do you do in your free time?
• Do you like outdoors activities?
• What was/is your favorite class in school?

Some topics may be sensitive, so be cautious about bringing up the following things (or let the birth mother or adoption caseworker bring them up):

•  Details about her home life
• Asking too many baby-related questions (focus on getting to know her)
•  Prying for information about the birth father (he may have left her on bad terms, the pregnancy may be a result of a rape, he may be incarcerated, etc.)

 Remember that the purpose of the first meeting is to get to know each other, so try to relax and have fun!

The Genetics of Adoption

By Brittany of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal

When you have an adopted child, lots of people will want to tell you the following things:

1. They know of a woman who got pregnant soon after adopting a child. (I know of several, too.)
2. Your adopted child looks just like you and/or your spouse.(And then they'll give you other examples of people they know who adopted children who look just like them too.)
3. Said physical "resemblance" is the proof that the baby was meant to be in your family. (I don't believe that, but that's for another blog post entirely.)

I've had many many people tell me that Liam looks like Que.  I don't see it.  And at first I wondered if people were just telling me what they thought I wanted to hear. (If that's not why you told me that, I apologize, and please don't be offended.)

But then I started to think about the notion of Liam having Que's eyes.

And I agree.  No really.  I do.  

Liam has Que's eyes.
And I have photographic proof.

And sometimes Liam even has his nose.

Ah, the genetics of adoption.  :)
Maybe I'll put that in his baby book.

Beware of this Adoption Scammer

 Hopeful Adoptive Couples:  Please beware of this adoption scammer. She poses as a prospective birth mom (she is not pregnant) and has hurt a lot of people in the LDS adoption community.  Apparently she is on the prowl for new couples to victimize. Please spread the word about her so that she can't hurt anyone else. If she has contacted you, let your adoption caseworker and Lindsey of the r house know.

To protect yourself, learn some of the red flags of an adoption scammer.  Check out this blog post by Brenda of Another Small Adventure.

Adoption Finalization

by Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal


On April 29th we were able to finalize our adoption!  Below is a photo of us with Judge Medley in his chambers following the proceeding.  What a great day!  (Now we can file for his birth certificate and his social security card!)

Two days later we took him to the temple to be sealed.  What a wonderful experience it was to have our baby brought to us in the sealing room, dressed in white.  He was so good, too!  He was in such a good mood and looked so cute in his little white outfit.  There wasn't a dry eye in the house.  I will never forget how we felt that day, in the temple with him.

photography by Nicole Baxter

photography by Tonja Day

Then later Saturday we had our open house reception where we displayed your pass along cards.  Thank you again!  We had a great time and are so grateful for all of our friends and family members who came to support us.

Yesterday was Liam's baby blessing and was the last event in our wonderful celebrations.  Que and I bore our testimonies of the temple, families and of the atonement.  It was even more special to us because Liam's birth mother and other members of her family were there as well.  It was such a spiritual thing, I don't think a lot of people realize how spiritual adoption is!

Maybe that's because it's about Love. :)

Birth Mother's Day is coming!

Birth Mother's Day is May 8th and it is coming up! Be sure to not forget that special birth mom in your life.  Tell her with flowers, a note, a text, or click here for other great gift ideas.

There is also an Adoption Celebration Walk on Saturday, May 8th.  Meet at the Provo High School track at 10:00am.

Oh, and as a matter of motherly pride, I must also tell you that my son Liam recently modeled for the r house couture.  :)  (see below) They have wonderful gifts that you could use for Birth Mother's Day as well! 

The Grieving Process

By Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com

Since grieving is a normal process that affects everyone involved in an adoption, I just wanted to post about the 5 stages of grief.  Not everyone grieves exactly according to this list of course, (some people skip steps, some don't have them at all, some go back and forth, etc.) but I think it's a good starting reference.

(Sorry, I don't mean to be Debbie Downer. LOL  I just know that Que and I didn't realize grieving was normal for a couple facing infertility -and later, adoption- and it would have helped, had I known it was normal.)

Anyway, Que and I have learned that the grieving process can begin to happen to a birth parent (and sometimes their family members) even before the baby is born and can, of course, last long after placement.  Grief can even strike on certain important dates or anniversaries, for example on the date of the adoption finalization, the temple sealing or the child's birthday.  Our adoption caseworker said she knows of a birth mom who grieves on every monthly anniversary of placement.  In our adoption classes, we also learned that birth moms can grieve about their adoption much in the same way a person would grieve the death of a loved one.

To a different degree, some adoptive couples can experience grief and loss while dealing with infertility, and even after placement.  It's important to recognize that grieving is normal and that counseling should be seriously considered (especially for birth parents and even their family members). 

The Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.
   
2. Anger.
   
3. Bargaining.
   
4. Depression.
   
5. Acceptance.
    

PS: Here is another article on grief that was passed on to me.

Send Me Your Pass-Along Cards!

Are you hoping to adopt? Send me your pass along cards! They will be set out for the taking during our Open House celebrating our temple sealing to our son.

 (I wanted to make those available for guests to take since pass along cards are how our baby's birth mom found us!)

Email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com if you're interested and I will give you my address.  Thanks!
**update** Thank you for your responses!  I now have more than enough cards to set out.  It's wonderful!

Gift idea: Genealogy Book

By Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com

If you have an open adoption, this is not only a gift idea for a birth parent, it's also a gift idea for your child.  I wanted to be able to show Liam his genealogy sheets for both our family and his birth family.

What I did was fill out genealogy sheets with our ancestry information and Liam's name (and I gave a copy to his birth mom to keep) and then I gave her 2 sets of blank sheets for her to fill in the birth family's information.  One set is for her to keep and one to give back to me to put in our family history book.  (I also got from my friend Michelle, this wonderful baby book that is especially for adopted children.  On the last page it has 2 family trees, one for the adoptive family and one for the birth family.)

I hope one day Liam will enjoy having both sets of information!

Click here to start your own family history search!

Your Adoption is Unique

by Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com
(please do not copy & paste this post onto your own blog)

Because of all of the different circumstances that surround an adoption, no two adoptions are exactly alike.  Some people try to [negatively] compare an adoption that happened 30+ years ago (or even 10 years ago) to one that is happening today.  Comparing those are like comparing apples and oranges.

When people say negative comments (ie: "All adoptions are bad." or "Mine was a bad experience, so yours will be too."), you should use that opportunity to educate them about your adoption.

When people try to tell us that our adoption will turn out badly- just like another one they know of, sometimes I will say something like "I am not [the name of the person they're talking about], so the outcome will not be the same.  We all have different circumstances and we all deal with things in different ways." 

Here are some of the many variables that make each adoption unique.  These factors also shape the perspective people have about adoption:

• Where you fit in the adoption triad (big factor!)
• The year the adoption happened  (big factor!)
• Open or Closed Adoption (big factor!)
• How the adopted child was raised (big factor!)
• Level and degree of openness between the adoptive family and the birth family
• International Adoption
• Domestic Adoption
• Interstate Adoption (ICPC)
• Same-state Adoption
• Trans-racial Adoption
• Special Needs Adoption
• Foster-to-Adopt
• Infant Adoption
• Adoption of an older child
• Adoption of a sibling group
• Adoption of a child to an unmarried parent
• Adoption of a family member (i.e.: step-parent adoption or adoption of extended family member, etc.)
• State laws regarding parental relinquishment, placement of the child and finalization of the adoption
• Wait time that the adoptive family endured before placement
• Some adoptive couples have been scammed or have experienced failed placement(s)
• Adoptive Parent application process
• Counseling
• How everyone in the adoption triad dealt with the grief
• The distance between where the birth parents live from the adoptive family
• Health of the adopted child
• Birth mother's reason(s) for choosing adoption
• Birth mother's reason(s) and criteria for choosing her baby's adoptive family (how did she tell them?)
• The age of the birth parents at the time of the adoption
• Involvement of the birth father
• Involvement of the birth mother
• The amount of adoption education/counseling that the adoptive family has received
• Contact and openness the adoptive couple experiences with the birth family before placement
• The age of the child when he/she was adopted
• Support of family members of the ones directly involved in an adoption
• The circumstances surrounding the actual placement of the child (was it at the hospital, home or agency?  Were the birth parents involved or was it done by state or agency workers?)
• The child's contact and relationship with the birth family
• The adoptive couple's contact and relationship with the birth family
• In later years, did the adopted child initiate unwanted contact with a birth parent or vice versa?
• Involvement of extended members of the birth family with the adoptive family 
• If there was a contested adoption
• Use of the internet, pass along cards or other tools in the "finding process"
• Use of an adoption agency (each agency is different)
• Competency and experience of adoption caseworkers involved
• Use of an attorney only (in lieu of an agency)

All of these factors make it nearly impossible to compare adoptions (especially in a negative way).  And I hope, because of that, people will learn to put aside their own issues and celebrate when good things come of an adoption.  Even if it's not their own.

Answering Questions about Open Adoption

By Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com


A reader, who along with her spouse are considering adoption as a way to build their family, asked me this question regarding my previous post about open adoption, and specifically regarding this statement I made: "Open adoption is not:  confusing to the child, co-parenting, only for the benefit of the birth mom." 

She asked:
"I just wonder if you could explain more about what it's really like and how those 'nots' do or don't work? I had wondered with Brie being so involved with Liam if it would be confusing in future for him, or be something like her possibly trying to take him away from you, and how this would benefit you and Que and not just Brie...I'm just curious to know more about what it's really like."

 My son Liam and his birth mom, Brie (during a visit last month)

I love answering questions! Thanks!  Ok, I'm going to go through these one at a time and paraphrase the questions:

Will the contact with Brie be confusing for Liam?  The only way I can explain our situation is to liken it to an aunt or uncle coming over to visit you.  You know they're related to you, you know they love you, but you also know they're not your mom or dad. Liam will obviously know that we are his mom and dad.  He will also know who Brie is, he will call her by her first name and he'll grow up knowing his adoption story.  This arrangement works because Brie is respectful of our role as parents to him and we are respectful of her role as birth mother.  Meaning she's not coming over to parent Liam, she's just coming for a visit.  And she doesn't see us as being like "foster care" for Liam; taking care of him until she feels she's ready to do it herself, she sees us as his permanent parents.  I hope that makes sense.  (This is what I mean when I say that open adoption is not "co-parenting.")

Would seeing Liam all the time make Brie want to take Liam back? Can Brie take Liam from you?    From what I understand, (birth moms out there, tell me if I'm wrong) most birth mothers who can see that their child is happy in their adoptive family tend to be so much more at ease with the adoption. I don't mean to speak for Brie, but I do know no one forced her to choose adoption, and she has told us that she knows Liam "was meant for [us], he just had to come a different way."  She trusted us to raise him and is happy that he's with us, even though I'm sure it was/is devastating for her to deal with the grief of his adoption. As for the legal aspects of it, in Utah once parental rights have been terminated, they can't be reinstated.  (And Brie knew that.)  The legal parental rights of both of Liam's birth parents were terminated shortly after his birth.

How does open adoption benefit the adoptive parents?  This may sound weird, but for us it reinforces that Liam was meant for us.  There is a special bond between an adoptive couple and a birth mom; you are just so connected.  It's like she becomes part of your family.  I've previously blogged about how adoptive couples can even grieve alongside their birth mom.  I love her like a sister and would walk through fire for Brie, seriously.  We are very protective of her and it boils my blood to hear when people mistreat her.  Just cutting off all contact with her forever would have been so devastating to me and Que. We know that the circumstances of our contact may change over the passage of time, but like an aunt or cousin, we hope and believe that we will always be in touch with her somehow.  Open adoption with her is also a benefit for me as a mother because it brings me comfort to know that my son will have his adoption questions answered.  He'll never have to wonder what she looks like, why she chose adoption, if she loves him, etc.

Is there anything else you wanted to know? 
I now have a Formspring account- click here (or see the sidebar) and feel free to ask!

Is Your Family Uncomfortable with Your Open Adoption?

by Brittany from Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com
(please don't copy & paste this blog post onto your blog)

Que, me and our son's birthmom (standing)

The term "open adoption" can sound so scary to someone who has never encountered it before.  (It frightened me... until I learned about it.)  Be patient with family members or friends who may be giving you negative feedback or unsolicited "advice."  As someone who has endured negative responses to our decision to have an open adoption, I know being patient with that kind of treatment is not an easy thing to do. 

Interference from friends or family members only complicates things and can create contention.  And if you're like us, we only wanted our friends and family to trust our judgment and be excited about this baby!

I suggest telling them specific reasons why you chose open adoption.  Then ask them what their specific issues are with the situation and then answer any questions they have.  Refer them to blogs of people who have an open adoption so that they can see how theirs works for them.

Talk to them about how having an "open adoption" can mean different things to different people.  (Who knows what they personally think it is.)  Explain to them that some couples only send an update letter and a few photos once a year, some might be open at first, with an agreement with the birth parent(s) to slowly close it over time, whereas other adoptive couples might be so open that they invite their birth moms to babysit or to come along on family vacations. It's all up to the couple.

If you want, you can talk to your friends or family members about what open adoption is and isn't.

Open adoption is not:  confusing to the child, co-parenting, only for the benefit of the birth mom. 

 Open adoption is about: Love, trust, communication, respect for each other's role in the child's life, the sharing of information.

My point is, try to help them understand that the adoptive couple makes this choice, (sometimes along with the birth family), and that requires focus on what is best for the child, an understanding of the circumstances, patience and an open mind.  They may think you have been coerced into agreeing to it, and showing them that you have a plan and that you have some knowledge about how it works can help calm their fears. 

Also stress that you know what is best for your family, and you would like them to trust you to make that decision.  Adoptive couples have gone through so much already: dealing with infertility, miscarriages and the adoption process makes one feel like they have no control over their own life.  Some of us just hope that people around us will stand by us when we do get to make a decision, even if it's something they themselves don't fully understand.

Updating the Hoping to Adopt List

I went through the list and deleted your name IF:

1) your links were dead (including itsaboutlove.org and parentprofile links),
2) your blog was stale (hadn't been updated in over a year),
3) your blog stated you had recently been chosen by a birth mother or had adopted.

Please look over the list- if I have made a mistake (or if you are new and would like me to add your adoption blog or adoption profile link) you can email me (Brittany) at queandbrittany@yahoo.com or Amanda at wishes4happiness@gmail.com.

PS: If you have recently been chosen or have been placed with a child and would like to be showcased as a Success Story, please email us!  We love to be inspired by adoption success!