Blog Update!

I wanted a chance to introduce myself to all of you...Brittany had asked for some help with posts to the blog readers and myself and 2 other wonderful ladies are going to be contributing to the blog going forward. I hope that as we embark on this journey it can be as helpful and encouraging as the other post have been for me. Anyways, A little about who I am...

My name is Deanna and I am also 33 yrs old like Megan... I currently live in Phoenix, AZ. My husband James and I have been married for 5 years next month. We have a 10 yr old daughter who I had previous to us meeting and being married. James works in Alarm sales for Vivint (formerly APX), this will be his 5th summer and I have been a stay at home mom for Abbe for the last 3 years. I use to be in banking mgmt and retail mgmt before I was lucky enough to be at home.

James and I have been trying to conceive since we married 5 years ago and struggle with infertility. We have never been pregnant and the Doctors can't find anything wrong...which has been really frustrating. We have had fertility assistance and it too has still failed. We are currently in the waiting game like many of you. We have been certified to adopt since September 2010. Since then we have had a small failed placement and a failed fertility treatment. I now feel that Heavenly Father is truly trying to tell us something...and continues to remind me that he prompted us to seek adoption and that he is control not me.

This past weekend I was in Kansas City, MO and James and I had a chance to go to the Liberty Jail...and Oh My Gosh if you ever have a chance to go you need to go...Talk about feeling the Spirit...anyways, while we were there it really hit home for us about our struggle and what Joseph Smith went through while he was there...The Lord truly watches over us and will not give us more than we can bear but at the same time he is Refining us and Purifying us for what He has planned for us. If we don't go through these struggles we may not receive or recognize the true blessings when they are presented to us.

Joseph received the revelations of Doctrine and Covenants 121-123 while he was there...the crazy thing is..is that he did not receive this until he was already there for an excruciating 4 months... shortly after they were released...why did he have to endure this...It really made me think...I think it was so that he would be able to receive what all of us needed to know...If you haven't read D&C 121-123 and you are struggling is someway or another not even with fertility stuff you need to read it. It has really helped me feel more content about everything that we are going through...

I am so excited to be a part of this Blog! I look forward to hearing from all of you and learning together along the way. Talk to you soon Ladies! (oh and maybe hubby's...lol)

Please visit our adoption blog if you would like to know more about me...

Adoption doesn't cure Infertility

By Brittany, of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com

I remember during our adoption orientation in 2007, the myth of "adoption cures infertility" was brought up. In my mind I kind of got hung up on that because I guess I thought that once we added children to our family, those uncomfortable feelings of inadequacy, frustration, anger, grief and loss would just go away.

And yes, it is true that since beginning the adoption process I have healed a lot, (I was actually OK at church last Mother's Day, and that was even before we met our son's birth mom). I can now go down the baby isle at the store, I can even go to baby showers now without the threat of a panic attack. But there are still times where those old [crappy] feelings crop up.

For me, sometimes it catches me off guard, like when I bought a baby book for Liam. I started filling it out with the normal information (weight and length at birth, etc.) and then I came across things like "Some people say I inherited these qualities from my mommy and daddy: _________." I just sat there and stared at the page. It was just kind of a reminder that our situation was different. I love that adoption is part of who Liam is, but it brought up that familiar hurt... you know, that sometimes I wish that I could have given birth to Liam.  (And of course, I consider Liam to be my son; he just came to our family a different way.)

When stuff like that happens, I have to remember to just take a step back and think of how blessed we've been. The good news is, for me, the bitterness of infertility has faded over time. Even though adoption has not cured those feelings, I think I have learned how to deal with it a little bit better.

And who knows, maybe Liam will "inherit" Que's love for camping and hunting, or my love for books. I'll just have to wait a little longer to fill out that page of his baby book. And that's ok. :)

[To post a comment, click on the title of this blog post and then scroll down.  I don't know what's going on with blogger, but that's the only way they're showing up right now.  Sorry.]

Adoption: Loss, Change and Healing

(adoption photography by Tonja Day)

Last October Que and I took LDS Family Services' adoption education classes (by-the-way, I looked it up and we started them on the 17th, which, one year later would be the day Liam was placed with us). :)

We learned about how adoption can be about loss for everyone in the "adoption triad" (that consists of 1) the birth parents, 2) the adoptive couple and 3) the child).

A birth parent (and their family) can obviously feel a great deal of loss relating to the placement of a child, and they actually go through the grieving process. For the adoptive couple, adoption can sometimes be the route they take after they are faced with infertility (and that brings about feelings of grief and loss). For the adopted child, they sometimes feel a loss regarding their birth parents. They wonder what they may look like, what their personalities are like, why they were placed for adoption, how their birth parents felt about placing them for adoption, etc. and it can create a void in their life. Thankfully, open adoption (and counseling) can diminish or even dissolve those feelings of loss for everyone involved. :)

Adoption is also about positive change and the hope for a bright future.

For the adoptive couple, choosing adoption can signal a huge paradigm shift. We did not easily make the decision to adopt; we were holding on to the idea of what we thought we wanted and were not letting the Lord tell us what needed to happen. When the decision to adopt is made, the couple now sees that the Lord meant for their children to come to them a different way, and that opens up a whole new world to them. (This experience has been so humbling, educational and spiritual for us.) Of course, actually having the baby and his birth parents come into the couples' life brings lots of positive change too. :)

For the birth parent, choosing adoption can be a catalyst for positive change in every part of their lives. It can bring about that "mighty change of heart" that is spoken of in the Book of Mormon. Brie (and Danielle) are different people than they were 1 year ago. They are now so close to the Spirit and are allowing the Lord to give them the happiness they deserve. They see life in a different way and are making a difference in other people's lives as well. (We are so proud of them!)

For Liam as the adopted child, his life has changed so much already and he doesn't even know it. :) Having him come into our life has made Que and I better people and hopefully that will help us be better parents for him. We all feel that his future is so bright.

Lastly, adoption is about healing. The healing of infertility, the healing of past mistakes and the healing power of the Savior's atonement.

I don't want to totally speak for Brie on this subject (hopefully she'll write about it on her blog!) :p but from what I've seen, this experience has healed her in many areas of her life.

For us, adoption has healed a lot of our infertility emotions (it doesn't cure it though). We didn't begin the adoption process in hopes that by doing so I would "suddenly get pregnant." We have grieved the loss of the child that will never have Que's eyes and my nose and we see adoption as a valid way to build our family.

It has also (strangely enough) helped me to understand that even if we were never blessed with a child (via adoption or otherwise), that Heavenly Father still loved and valued us.

Back then, my grief over infertility was eating me alive. By (finally) submitting my will to His and more importantly, accepting His answer, I also experienced a mighty change of heart. The atonement isn't just for sins; the Savior Himself experienced anguish, sadness and loneliness and He can fully empathize with us when we are going through life's trials.

We just have to let Him.