A Birthmother's story...

Why is Tamra, an LDS birth mother, rocking the adoption community?? 

She said "I've seen people tell me after the fact, "Had I known the information, had I heard your story, I would have placed my child [for adoption] and they would have had a better life." I've had people who have had abortions tell me "Had I had accurate and current information, had I heard your story, I would have made a different choice." 

"God was using me to find his family. On this mortal side of things it looks like I shared him with them, but in reality they shared him with me. And the reason is because I needed him too. God got 2 birds with 1 stone: Justin had to go home, but he saved my life on the way." -Tamra

Guest Post: Amber

So last year I attended the Southwest FSA conference and while I was there I met Amber and her hubby who were just starting out on their adoption journey. Amber wrote an awesome post this week on her personal blog. It was about the questions she is asked about their open adoption with their birthmom and I asked her if she would share it with the readers of this blog. Here is a brief intro:

"Hi my name is Amber, I am 27 years old and a new mommy through the miracle of adoption.My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I am an advocate for adoption! I love spending time with my husband and baby. I enjoy creating new things, blogging, and seeing a good movie. I am just an ordinary girl living an extraordinary life."

Here is the post:

Candace & Amber

When D turned 2 Months old we had a special visit from his birthmom. Oh goodness we were SO excited to have her at our house, and look forward to many more visits over the years. Like I have said before, I love this girl, she gave my son life <3 and she is everything to me. We had a fun time together like we always do :)



D loves his Birthmomma

ADOPTION TALK.....
I know open adoption is a foreign language to many, but things have changed-most private adoptions are open. It is for good reason - is better for all parties involved. Because of my "situation of becoming a mom through open adoption" I have had multiple people ask/say to me things like this:

1. Isn't it weird to still talk to your son's birthmom?

No, it is not. Why would it be? We became close and bonded during her pregnancy, and can you imagine the connection I have to this beautiful soul who gave birth to my son? She is our own angel. Not to mention one of the only people who loves my son as much as I do. It is a joy in my day to talk with her about her own life, and to share what we are doing as well. She is my sister and friend.

2. Isn't it hard for his birthmom to see him or see pictures of him that you post on fb, instagram?

I cannot speak for my son's birthmom and birthdad, but I feel that this is not "hard" for them, instead I think it is reassuring to them, to see him growing, being healthy, happy, and loved. I think it brings them comfort knowing what a joy, treasure, and blessing he is to us.

3. Aren't you worried she (birthmom) will try to "take him back"?

No, I am not worried. This is probably the most frustrating question.... I KNOW my son's birthmom - birthdad and I know their families, I know how they feel about my son's placement with us. I trust them FULLY. AND.....not to get technical, but there are legal steps taken to place our son in our home one being that parental rights are terminated in front of a judge. His birthparents knowingly did this to ensure our son's placement in our family. They want him to be with us!

4. Are you worried about his birthmom "bonding" with him?

No. I am not worried. Why on earth would I (having an 'OPEN' adoption) be so closed minded? My son's adoption is not a secret, to him or to anyone for that matter. Derrick will be taught to love his birthmom because she gave him life. She is a wonderful person, and Derrick will know who she is, and know that because she loves him, she placed him with our family.

5. She (birthmom) must have a rough life to give up her baby

Although there are some women that do have a 'rough life', please do not assume that ALL women who place their baby for adoption are in that catagory. Not only is it an assumption, it is hurtful and puts me on defense mode. I LOVE and ADORE and ADMIRE my son's birthmom. She is extremely mature for her age and honestly has it together more than a lot of people my own age. She knows what she wants to do with her life, she is smart, and she made a decision for her son's best interest - a selfless act that took a lot of careful thought, consideration, prayer, and courage. And please don't use the word "GIVE UP" when referring to adoption. It is so hurtful, my son was lovingly "placed" and his birthparents did not give up on him or give him up.

I hope I have been able to encourage positive thinking towards open adoption. I want to show that open adoption has brought happiness to our family. And to share some insight into this beautiful place I find myself in an OPEN and LOVING adoption. <3 <3 <3"


Isn't she awesome? What a great adoption advocate. I'm hoping she will be joining us as a guest blogger again in the future! Thanks Amber! To read more about Amber's family, check out their blog at throughlovewegrow.blogspot.com -Elise

Baby Chris and his Adoption Story...

Hi my name is Stacey. I have a hubby named Eric that I fell in love and married 7 years ago, just this month. We have a 5 year old girl named Ava, 3 year old girl named Devery (they are both biological), and we just adopted our son Chris 9 months ago. Oh, and how can I forget our wonderful dog Bo…?

I am so thankful for the chance to be a guest blogger on LDS Adoption Connection. I have written our story a couple times only because each time I do, I feel like it’s way to long. I then edit it, but feel like you are missing way to many of the great details. So if you are interested in reading more or about our finalization and sealing day please visit our blog.

After having our second daughter, my doctor informed us that it would be a long hard road for me to get pregnant again. Oct of 2009 we decided to start the adoption process through LDS Family Services. We started the paper work, back ground checks, physicals, and calling to make copies of everything to hand in. I took hours, every night filling out the questions about ourselves and trying to write something about ourselves that didn’t sound like we were trying to sell ourselves in a commercial.

One of the hardest questions that we had to answer was –open or closed adoption?- Through our process of becoming qualified to adopt we were required to go to a two day seminar to help us better prepare and understand adoption. We loved it! There were 4 panels of people that have adopted, have placed for adoption and were placed for adoption. At one point I looked over at Eric and he was teary eyed. There it was, our answer. We wanted an open adoption.

Feb of 2010, our profile was posted on itsaboutlove.org and I couldn't have been more excited. Weeks went by and nothing, then months went by and nothing. In June, we got a few e-mails from a boy that was interested in placing, but his girl friend was not, and then nothing again.

Aug 3^rd 2010, our caseworker called us and said that there was a couple that would like to meet us. I don’t remember anything she said after that. All I wanted to do was hang up and call Eric, then my mom, then his mom, then anyone else that would pick up there phone. Two days later we met Chris and Kristi that were due in 7 weeks and having a boy. We spent a couple hours talking then they went out of the room to take a break. When they walked in they gave us a picture of our family with me holding a little boys hand.

They picked us!!

I was so nervous that they would change their minds, that I didn’t tell anyone. I even had my sister in law call me that night to see how it went and I lied to her. In the next couple of weeks we met up with them a few more times and even met Kristi’s parents.

Aug 31, I got a call “ Hi this is Chris” then I say “are we having a baby?” We spent 8 hours in the hospital visiting with their families when baby Chris came into the world.

I got to be in the room during the delivery and Eric came in right after. Chris also let us share the time with him while we all gave baby Chris his first bath.

The Day of placement came and we were sick to our stomachs, just pacing around our house. Every "what if" came across our minds and people would not stop calling to see how it was going. We were not only nervous for us, but because we had fallen in love with Chris and Kristi.  We knew how hard it was going to be for them. When we arrived at the hospital there was a lot of waiting and even more paper work. Then the time came when Kristi held Chris in her arms, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and then placed him in my arms.

We just love adoption and our wonderful son, Chris. We love Chris and Kristi and their families. We thank our Heavenly Father for this amazing blessing in our lives. 

Birth Mother Love

I don't see how anyone who sees these photos can say that girls who choose adoption "don't love" their babies.

Letting Go

Earlier this month I wrote about the Cardinal Rules of open adoption and I mentioned that I learned about a few of them the hard way.  I just wanted to briefly talk about one of the rules that I broke.

This is a photo of me, my husband, and our birth mom taken last fall

Adoption photography by Tonja Day

Throughout this adoption journey, I feel like I've transformed into The Mother Bear.  And as The Mother Bear, I felt so protective of our birth mom.  (Which ultimately lead me to break Rule #3.)

For months and months I felt like it was my own personal responsibility to make sure she was right with the world.  It caused me to lose sleep and everything. The truth is, there is nothing I can do to make her feel better or feel differently.  (She even told me that herself.)

Our relationship has evolved since placement, and I've resisted certain changes.  I resisted like crazy.  And that led to mistakes.  

I learned that I need to let her be her and to let go of my self-imposed feelings of responsibility regarding her choices.

If she needs to have space to do whatever it is she needs to do, I should be ok with that.  And I am ok with it... to a certain extent.  But I still miss her.

I am learning to let go and it's difficult.  (Just so we're clear: I'm not letting go of her, I'm letting go of my anxiety which is caused by me wanting everything in her life to be ok.) I know she needs space so I now resist the urge to text her all the time.  I resist the urge to invite her on every little outing we go on.  I am also learning to resist the urge to take certain things personally.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm learning.  I just pray she can be patient with me while I do it.

The Cardinal Rules of Open Adoption

I've been thinking about all the rules that we as adoptive couples should never break and I thought I would list some of them here (I'm sure there are probably more).  But in my opinion, they include:

1. Never promise your birth mom, or other members of the birth family anything you can't (or won't) deliver.  If she/they ask you to do something you aren't comfortable with, then say that you aren't comfortable with it and come up with another solution.  Don't ever say yes to something just because you feel pressure to do so, because that will cause you major problems down the line. 
   
2. Never go back on your word.  (Unless the safety of you and/or the baby would somehow be compromised.)  This kind of goes along with the first rule- If, before the baby was born, you told her she could come to the baby's blessing, live up to your word and invite her when the time comes. 
3. Remember that it's not your responsibility to make sure your birth mom is perfectly fine with the adoption or any other aspect of her life.  Let her know that you love and accept her, and let her grieve and move forward in her own way.  Even if it's not the way you would like. 
4. Don't allow yourself to feel that you are the cause of her grief that she will feel after placement.  You are not the cause of it; in fact, you as her baby's adoptive parent are part of the solution to it.
5. Communicate with your birth mom.  It's a good idea to verify that you and she are on the same page with important issues.  Also, whenever possible, communicate directly with your birth mom (and not through a 3rd party).  Build your relationship by openly asking questions when issues come up and ask her to share her feelings.  This will eliminate a lot of problems and ultimately allow your open adoption to be an enjoyable experience.    
6. If your birth mom is pulling away from you, don't pressure her into visits.  If you have a very close relationship, try letting her be in control of requesting visits.  Pressuring her into visits when she's not ready will do more harm than good. 

I'm not saying that we've been perfect with regards to all of these rules (some of them, we learned about the hard way!) so I wanted to post them so other couples could kind of have a heads-up.

Open adoption's #1 priority is to help your child have answers about his/her adoption.  This helps avoid or minimize any feelings of loss they may feel about their adoption.  Keeping at least some kind of contact is preferable, but obviously don't engage any birth family members if they are hostile about the adoption, and/or the safety of your child is in question.


Open adoption is about trust and if you'll notice, all of those rules have to do with trust.  Show your birth mom she can trust you by telling her the truth and never going back on your word.  Trust her by letting her make her own choices with regards to her grieving process- even if that means she pulls away from you.

An open adoption relationship between a birth mom and a couple is so fragile.  I don't think a lot of people realize how fragile they can be.  Protect and guard your relationship and work on strengthening it as often as you can.   Everyone will be a lot happier if you do.  Including you!

Answering Questions about Open Adoption

By Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com


A reader, who along with her spouse are considering adoption as a way to build their family, asked me this question regarding my previous post about open adoption, and specifically regarding this statement I made: "Open adoption is not:  confusing to the child, co-parenting, only for the benefit of the birth mom." 

She asked:
"I just wonder if you could explain more about what it's really like and how those 'nots' do or don't work? I had wondered with Brie being so involved with Liam if it would be confusing in future for him, or be something like her possibly trying to take him away from you, and how this would benefit you and Que and not just Brie...I'm just curious to know more about what it's really like."

 My son Liam and his birth mom, Brie (during a visit last month)

I love answering questions! Thanks!  Ok, I'm going to go through these one at a time and paraphrase the questions:

Will the contact with Brie be confusing for Liam?  The only way I can explain our situation is to liken it to an aunt or uncle coming over to visit you.  You know they're related to you, you know they love you, but you also know they're not your mom or dad. Liam will obviously know that we are his mom and dad.  He will also know who Brie is, he will call her by her first name and he'll grow up knowing his adoption story.  This arrangement works because Brie is respectful of our role as parents to him and we are respectful of her role as birth mother.  Meaning she's not coming over to parent Liam, she's just coming for a visit.  And she doesn't see us as being like "foster care" for Liam; taking care of him until she feels she's ready to do it herself, she sees us as his permanent parents.  I hope that makes sense.  (This is what I mean when I say that open adoption is not "co-parenting.")

Would seeing Liam all the time make Brie want to take Liam back? Can Brie take Liam from you?    From what I understand, (birth moms out there, tell me if I'm wrong) most birth mothers who can see that their child is happy in their adoptive family tend to be so much more at ease with the adoption. I don't mean to speak for Brie, but I do know no one forced her to choose adoption, and she has told us that she knows Liam "was meant for [us], he just had to come a different way."  She trusted us to raise him and is happy that he's with us, even though I'm sure it was/is devastating for her to deal with the grief of his adoption. As for the legal aspects of it, in Utah once parental rights have been terminated, they can't be reinstated.  (And Brie knew that.)  The legal parental rights of both of Liam's birth parents were terminated shortly after his birth.

How does open adoption benefit the adoptive parents?  This may sound weird, but for us it reinforces that Liam was meant for us.  There is a special bond between an adoptive couple and a birth mom; you are just so connected.  It's like she becomes part of your family.  I've previously blogged about how adoptive couples can even grieve alongside their birth mom.  I love her like a sister and would walk through fire for Brie, seriously.  We are very protective of her and it boils my blood to hear when people mistreat her.  Just cutting off all contact with her forever would have been so devastating to me and Que. We know that the circumstances of our contact may change over the passage of time, but like an aunt or cousin, we hope and believe that we will always be in touch with her somehow.  Open adoption with her is also a benefit for me as a mother because it brings me comfort to know that my son will have his adoption questions answered.  He'll never have to wonder what she looks like, why she chose adoption, if she loves him, etc.

Is there anything else you wanted to know? 
I now have a Formspring account- click here (or see the sidebar) and feel free to ask!

Is Your Family Uncomfortable with Your Open Adoption?

by Brittany from Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal
email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com
(please don't copy & paste this blog post onto your blog)

Que, me and our son's birthmom (standing)

The term "open adoption" can sound so scary to someone who has never encountered it before.  (It frightened me... until I learned about it.)  Be patient with family members or friends who may be giving you negative feedback or unsolicited "advice."  As someone who has endured negative responses to our decision to have an open adoption, I know being patient with that kind of treatment is not an easy thing to do. 

Interference from friends or family members only complicates things and can create contention.  And if you're like us, we only wanted our friends and family to trust our judgment and be excited about this baby!

I suggest telling them specific reasons why you chose open adoption.  Then ask them what their specific issues are with the situation and then answer any questions they have.  Refer them to blogs of people who have an open adoption so that they can see how theirs works for them.

Talk to them about how having an "open adoption" can mean different things to different people.  (Who knows what they personally think it is.)  Explain to them that some couples only send an update letter and a few photos once a year, some might be open at first, with an agreement with the birth parent(s) to slowly close it over time, whereas other adoptive couples might be so open that they invite their birth moms to babysit or to come along on family vacations. It's all up to the couple.

If you want, you can talk to your friends or family members about what open adoption is and isn't.

Open adoption is not:  confusing to the child, co-parenting, only for the benefit of the birth mom. 

 Open adoption is about: Love, trust, communication, respect for each other's role in the child's life, the sharing of information.

My point is, try to help them understand that the adoptive couple makes this choice, (sometimes along with the birth family), and that requires focus on what is best for the child, an understanding of the circumstances, patience and an open mind.  They may think you have been coerced into agreeing to it, and showing them that you have a plan and that you have some knowledge about how it works can help calm their fears. 

Also stress that you know what is best for your family, and you would like them to trust you to make that decision.  Adoptive couples have gone through so much already: dealing with infertility, miscarriages and the adoption process makes one feel like they have no control over their own life.  Some of us just hope that people around us will stand by us when we do get to make a decision, even if it's something they themselves don't fully understand.

Placement Day

by Brittany M. of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal.
If you would like your placement story featured, please email either Amanda at wishes4happiness@gmail.com or email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com.

This adoption (everything included, the whole process) has been the most spiritual experience of our lives. Adoption is a difficult, yet beautiful thing and we are so happy that we chose this route to build our family.

Brad and Brenda were right when they said this while being interviewed on KSL Studio 5: "Regular families out there that give birth to their children- they don't know what they're missing! We've got 3 beautiful children along with their birth parents in our lives."

We knew it had the potential to be such a wonderful thing, but we had no idea how much and to what extent it would change us for the better.

Both our birth mom Brie and her best friend Danielle have said that too about their own lives. Adoption really is about love; the love that our Father in Heaven has for us. It is amazing to see the Lord's hand in this and it is such a testament of His love for all of us.

The four of us have had so many sacred experiences throughout this process, some too personal and sacred to share here, but I can tell you a little about Placement Day.


If you are new to the adoption world, Placement Day is the day that the birth mother signs over her parental rights and places the baby into the arms of the adoptive couple. Our placement took place 2 days after our baby was born.

It was both one of the best and worst days of our lives.

Brie asked that Que and I be present in the room when she answered out loud the (horrible) questions in front of witnesses and signed the relinquishment forms. The caseworkers couldn't believe she invited us in, apparently neither one of them have ever seen that happen before. I think she did it because she knows how much we love and support her.

It was so rough to watch her do it (Danielle, Que and I all stood near her and sobbed) but seeing her do it reiterated to us how much she loves this little boy. In the room, the Spirit of the Lord was so strong and you could tell by Brie's countenance how at peace she was with her decision. Even her caseworker remarked to us outside the room how at peace she was.


During the placement, we gave her a stuffed elephant (the baby has one too; it goes with the matching elephant quilts we made her and gave to her last month), this Willow Tree figurine (because she gave us this one when she told us she had chosen us to be Liam's parents), a copy of the book and CD From God's Arms, to My Arms, to Yours, some letters from us and other family members, a birthstone ring (with her birthstone and his), a digital photo frame (with an SD card loaded with her maternity photos and photos of Liam and her in the hospital) and some other stuff we thought she'd like (like Season 1 of The Office). We also gave Miss Danielle this Willow Tree figurine and a letter that we wrote to her, thanking her for being such a good friend to Brie and to us.

Brie dressed Liam in a going-home-outfit that she and Danielle bought for him. It is SO cute, I think I'm going to put it in a shadow box and hang it on the wall.

This is a picture of Brie's hand (wearing the birthstone ring) cuddling Liam in his going-home-outfit while he is sleeping on the baby blanket that Brie was taken home from the hospital in when she was born. (We put the blanket over him and his car seat on the ride home.)


After that, it was time for her to place Liam in my arms. Again, she just had this peace about her (we know it was so difficult for her, we're not saying that it wasn't at all) (there were tears and all of our emotions were running high) but the pure love she has for her son was showing on her face.

Because she sacrificed her own heart and her wants, and put his needs above her own (which is what a true mother does), he will never doubt the love she has for him.

Right after she handed him to me, she looked at him and told him she loved him and then she tenderly said "See ya later." She is so strong. All I wanted to do was sit and hug her for hours, but it was time for us to let her to go home.

This picture (above) is of Danielle getting Brie ready to leave the hospital. As she was tying that balloon to Brie's wrist, Danielle said "Now if you lose this, I'm not buying you another one." Haha.

This is the two of them right before they got into Danielle's car to go home. This picture makes me tear up- I wish we could have just taken them both home with us!

***The above photo was taken July 3rd, the night that Brie told us she had chosen us to be Liam's parents. (You can see the Willow Tree figurine on the table.)

The below photo was taken on October 17th, the day our family officially grew from 2 to 5.

We are so grateful for the chance to have an open adoption with Brie. We know that open adoption works well for us and our situation. There is nothing wrong with having more people in a child's life who love him.

We are excited to see what the future brings for us.
All of us.

Open Adoption: Ron and Jessica

Posted by Brittany of Que & Brittany's Adoption Journal

Open Adoption: A Marriage of Families

by Jessica

If you asked me two years ago if I thought I'd ever invite our baby's birthmother over to our house, I probably would have told you, "Um, I don't think so."

Well, we've had a long time to think about openness. We've met a lot of people with very open adoptions and our hearts have softened toward openness 100%.

Now that we have little ZJ, and we've met his wonderful birthmother and her family, there is no way I could tell them, "Thanks for the baby" and never see them again.

I like to think of our adoption like a marriage; a marriage of our families. We won't see each other all the time, but we do want to keep contact and we want to get together once in a while. Sure it takes effort, but everything worth while in this world takes effort. And there are many rewards for us, too.

Here's what ZJs's birthmother wrote to us in a card this week:

"Ron & Jessica,
I just wanted to say thank you for inviting me and my family for dinner! I am so lucky to have found people like you to take care of and be parents to ZJ. I truly believe God played a part in it and I thank Him for that."

*****

~If you are an adoptive parent, a birth parent or are adopted, have an open adoption and would like to contribute to a future post, please email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com.

Open Adoption: A Birth Mother's Perspective

Isabelle and her birth parents, Jen and Brit

Open Adoption:

I've Had the Chance to Grow with Her

by Jen

While we were vacationing at Tahoe, there was a rumor that my grandma-in-law was going to ask family to share a spiritual experience in a sort of family testimony meeting. That never happened. But it did get me thinking about the most spiritual experience of my life, which was (surprise!) placing Isabelle for adoption (you didn't see that coming, did you?).

I have never felt my Heavenly Father's direct touch in my life so much as when he was guiding me to her family. I've said it over and over, and I will say it again: I clearly know that he was guiding my steps- and her family's- quite directly so that she ended up in the right place. There were so many small and large coincidences involved in her adoption; so many times when, if the timing were just slightly off, she would have ended up somewhere else entirely. So many clear spiritual promptings that led us to each other, at just the right time, so that this particular child would be with that particular family. What an amazing testimony of the importance of families.

When I met them, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Something that had been conspicuously absent through the whole ordeal of pregnancy and coming to terms with the idea of "giving up" my baby.

She clearly belonged with them, and it was clearly the right thing for everyone, and it made an almost impossible prospect feel right and good. Still painful; I don't think that can be avoided, for anyone in that situation, but much easier to heal from.

We have an open adoption, obviously, and people have questioned whether that is really the best thing. I absolutely think it is, for us. I know it can be hard, especially for adoptive parents! I can't imagine not having some feeling of "No, this is MY baby!" Or feeling just a tiny bit resentful at having to "share." But for my part, having an open adoption has helped me let go like nothing else could. Seeing her happy and well, and reinforcing that feeling that she is where she belongs, keeps me from holding on to the idea that she is "my baby," or second-guessing my decision.

I feel like if I had cut off contact just after seeing her and holding her when she WAS still my baby and little and sweet and innocent... or even just after she was born, if I had decided to never see her or hold her, I wouldn't be able to erase the memories of being pregnant and feeling her grow and move inside me. If I had decided to cut off contact at that point, how could I possibly move past it? It's not something you can ever forget, so instead I would be left cut off at the emotional state of being a new mom, and then... nothing. Now, I've had the chance to grow with her, to slowly let her go, to come to see her as Wendy and Tyler's cute little girl whom I love with the unconditional love of a parent.

Open adoption is an amazing, healing thing.

As an interesting side-note, I've done several adoption forums with other birth moms. At one in particular, the coordinator expressed frustration to me about getting a variety of birth moms for the panel- she says that those with closed adoptions rarely, if ever, agree to rehash it. She had one who did agree, but backed out at the last minute, saying "That's not a part of my life I want to remember."

How sad to be left with nothing but the pain of the experience. I love my adoption, I love Isabelle, and I love her family. And I love talking about it, and remembering what a wonderful, amazing, spritual experience the whole thing was. I can't call it a mistake. It was a few poor choices that led to an amazing opportunity for growth, and the chance to see Heavenly Father work miracles to bring eternal families together.

***

[Posted by Brittany M. of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal. If you have an open adoption and would like to contribute to a future post, email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com]

Open Adoption: Dustin & Andrea

Posted by Brittany of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal

Open Adoption:

Playing it by Ear and Listening to the Spirit

By Andrea

I would like to take a moment and give you a glimpse into OUR open adoption and hopefully give you some insight into this new trend in the adoption world.

First, I know that to many of you, having an open adoption seems weird. The only adoptions you know of are closed or there is VERY little contact. So, let me just start by saying, IT WORKS FOR US!!

Open adoptions didn't exist back in the day, but they are an option today if the couple and birth parents are interested. I believe this option was truly inspired. I think I can speak for Andee in saying, a lot of healing has taken place with her as a result.

Let me give you a little background, we met Andee when she was 12 weeks pregnant. She decided earlier than most birth moms, which to me, was awesome. It gave us a chance to really get to know each other. We went to all of her doctors appointments, we were with her when we found out it was a girl, we had game night at her parents house each Monday, we had long talks about anything and everything going on in our lives, we were like family.

Adoption isn't always easy, but having each other made it easier. If you have the chance to meet her someday, you will know what I mean.

When we first started the adoption process, I didn't know how I felt about having an open adoption. Like most who haven't personally adopted, I was nervous. Would I feel threatened, judged as a parent, comfortable in my role as this child's mom? I look back at those thoughts and realize that it was me being naive and new to the situation.

I learned something in an adoption class last year that I will never forget. This adoptive mom has 3 open adoptions with her children's birth parents, she stated, "As long as you are confident in your role as the parent, open adoptions can be healthy and fulfilling for all who are involved." I DO NOT feel threatened by Avery's birth parents, I don't feel judged in my role as a parent and I know with all my heart that Avery was meant to be my daughter and I her mom. Is it a more difficult and emotional way to have a child, ABSOLUTELY, but is it also more amazing and sacred, I believe so.

We don't have a set amount of time that our openness will continue. The beauty of an open adoption is that it's up to us. There isn't a contract that after a year it ends. We play things by ear and LISTEN to the spirit to guide us. The comforting companionship of our Heavenly Father has been with us EVERY STEP of the way and STILL continues to guide this process.

We got A LOT of questions/comments while dealing with infertility, and still do. As with most things in life, I never really understood it until I was faced with it personally. I am learning compassion and empathy and most importantly learning to put myself in someone else's shoes and see things from a different perspective. I will be the first to admit that I am not great at this, but it's something I need to work on. Infertility is one thing, but choosing adoption as a means to having a family is a TOTALLY different thing. Questions and comments came that I never expected. The Lord had prepared me for this through the struggles we had already been through. Suddenly, I was tougher, comments and questions are now a way to educate others. I knew that people were only saying things because they didn't know what to say or because it was different.

If you take a look around and talk to people in the recent adoption community, you will find that our situation is not uncommon.

I feel at home with other adoptive parents because they understand me, just as I feel comfortable with other infertile couples. With adoption unless you have been through it personally, sometimes it is difficult to understand.

Adoption was NOT an easy decision for us. It took much fasting, prayer and pleading with the Lord to find out what He wanted for us and our future children.

We don't have an open adoption out of obligation.

Andee is more than just Avery's birth mom, she is a dear friend. I have personally learned so much from her. I got to be a mom, and I also gained a wonderful relationship in the process. There will never be a question in Avery's mind as to why she was placed for adoption. We have all the answers for her, and that gives me so much peace and comfort. The connection we have with Avery is indescribable. I felt a bond with her before she was born and knew that this was all part of the bigger plan.

I hope this gives you a better idea as to how our open adoption works. It has been an amazing experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

It may not be right for every situation, but it certainly has been for us.

Our little Avery came to us in a different way, but in a way that allowed my relationship with God to grow beyond my ability to comprehend. This experience has given me such a greater grasp on eternity and what life is truly all about, and for that I am grateful.

****

Stay tuned for a blog post about the perspective of open adoption through the eyes of a birth mother!

[If you have an open adoption and would like to contribute to a future post, email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com]

Open Adoption: Fear vs. Faith

By Brittany M. of Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal

I know that for a lot of people, the concept of an open adoption can seem kind of scary. I remember (when we were first learning about adoption) not really knowing what to think about open adoption. But then I remembered this quote by President Boyd K. Packer:

"Fear is the opposite of faith."


I wanted to have an open mind to it and see what it's benefits were. I'm so glad we learned about it in our adoption classes (and by reading other blogs) because in our opinion, it really is a beneficial thing. We love our birth mom so much and are so excited to have her in our life!

Adoption has drastically changed over the years and many new adoptions are now being negotiated as "open." The term "open adoption" is a relative one, meaning everyone can determine their own level of openness.

What "open adoption" means to one family may mean something different to another.

For example, some adoptive couples agree with their birth families that they will only exchange emails, letters and photos. Others take it one step further and exchange last names and/or phone numbers. Some adoptive families meet with their birth mothers a few times a year at a restaurant; whereas some birth moms regularly go to the adoptive couples' home to visit. Some couples agree with their birth mom that everyone will be open at first with the shared and mutual intention to slowly break off contact. Some have a set schedule: Maybe an email is sent once a week with pictures, perhaps combined with 1 face-to-face visit every so many months until the baby turns one year old, etc. Some play it completely by ear. Other families have their birth parents come to their child's baby blessing, baptism, ordinations, etc. And some adoptive families have their birth families babysit for them!

Each adoption situation is unique and different from another because of the many factors and variables relating to them. The beauty of an open adoption is that each adoptive couple and their birth family can come up with their own plan that works just how they need it to.

Stay tuned for testimonies of open adoption from the perspective of both birth mothers and other adoptive parents! I asked them to talk about their individual circumstances and how open adoption has been a blessing in their lives.

You won't want to miss them!

(If you have an open adoption and would like to contribute to a future post, email me at queandbrittany@yahoo.com)