That we may "Not...Shrink"...

James and I had a friend text us last night in the middle of the night about this talk and that it made him think of us...I think the friend probably thought James had his phone muted since it was around midnight when we got the text which means our friend was watching at 1 am Idaho time! lol

Anyways, back to my point...I watched this while I got ready for church this morning and boy oh boy was this GOOD!  I am going to watch it again today so I can gain some better understanding of the talk.  I don't know about you but Elder Bednar has such a way of explaining things that has helped me in the past so much.

As I watched, it made me think I needed to post it here on the blog...I know I am not alone in the struggle of infertility or to grow our family...I know many of you will see what I saw when you listen to what he shared...SO so Profound.  I am grateful for amazing friends that share the love of the Gospel with us...no mater what the hour hay be...We are truly blessed.

-BTW Elder Bednar begins speaking at 19 minutes in...

-Deanna

ADOPTION BLOGS!!!

So after some thought and many questions coming at me about blogs I have decided to write a post about starting or updating your Adoption blog!

Some of you may be thinking where do I start... this is hard? or  I already have one now I need an adoption one? or You mean I have to put my feelings or thoughts or info out there on the net? Or I am not good at this kind of stuff! or Everyone else is soooo much better than me at that kind of stuff or theirs looks way better than mine... Well, I will tell you these are all very valid questions or thoughts and some of them may be totally true and some well may be all in your head!

I will say this as I have before in the Social Media post I wrote that YOU need to have a blog!  No, its obviously not required...lol...and yes your birthmother may come to you in a totally different way but it is the best way to be able to share your thoughts, feelings and who you are with others that YOU ARE WANTING TO ADOPT with exception of Facebook but blog posts can be highly integrated into Facebook.  And if you are not on Facebook at this point you need to read the social media post....

So where do you start?

For starters I would say user blogger.com (its linked to gmail).  Wordpress is way harder...well not as user friendly if you don't have a clue what you are doing.  When I started my blog  I had never done anything like it... Blogger is really user friendly and even has simple templates you can use to get started and all you have to do it pick which one.

 **I know many of you already have one of these but everyone starts somewhere!**

What should you have in it or on it?

Well for starters, I want you to look at the hoping to adopt blogs that are linked on LDS Adoption Connection and I really want you to look at them pretending you are an expectant mother looking to place the child you are carrying...Can you tell they even want to adopt?  Can you find info about them that tells you who they are?  Did they write a letter to you?  Did you feel like you already know them without meeting them?  Do they feel feel like old friends or do they seem stiff and uptight...or do you feel like they are your family?  Do they say they want an open adoption and do they feel like they want one?  There is a difference?  Do they allow you to feel what they are going through?  Do they inspire you? Do they make you want to know them more and that you can't wait to read their next post?  Do they have Facebook?  Can you learn more about them that way?  Was it easy to navigate their blog? Was it boring? Was it ugly or attractive?

These are things you MUST think about when you create your blog!  These blogs are to represent you yes, but they are for someone else to read!!! Would you want to read your blog? Seriously!  You need to ask yourself that question... I know I am not a candy coater and with this kind of stuff no one wants one of those...

When I decided to create a blog I CREEPED everyone else's and looked for all the parts I liked and definitely notated the ones I didn't like!

Contact Us!

You must give a birthmother a way to reach you on your blog...Create an email just for your adoption and put that on everything (Facebook, parent profiles, and your blog).  It would be the worst to have a birth mother want you and you never gave her a way to reach you...seriously its a duh! lol

Update Your Blog!

Some of you may not like what I say next but oh well! You really need to have a blog that you actually write on and update!!! Some of you out there have blogs that you call "adoption blogs" and all they are is another version of a parent profile or it's about love.  Although many of these blogs are super cute they are somewhat stale...yes stale (don't be offended just hear me out)...they are stale because anyone can create that and they don't tell a potential birthmother that you are STILL in fact wanting to adopt.

They say nothing about what is happening in your life, nothing about if you did indeed get placed with,  nothing about if you had a failed placement and how it felt, and it usually never says if you are indeed matched?

They say nothing...And worst yet is that when friends of people put them in their blog lists on their blogs they are at the bottom since they never are updated..thus a birthmother never clicks on them!  No one really clicks on these since they are at the bottom...They click on updated blogs...seriously again think as if you are them:)

Allow your posts to be Shared!

On blogger you can allow in the footer for your posts to be shared on Facebook...you want to add this function ASAP!  You have no idea how many times I wanted to share someones specific post and they didn't give this option...uhg! I love to share peoples stories so you want this on there...

This is also how YOU SHOULD share your newest posts on to your Facebook adoption page!  From your adoption Facebook page "THEN" you share it to your Personal facebook page because then your post will show where it was shared from (your adoption Facebook page) and people go to your page and "like" it and then their "like" shows in the Facebook newsfeed of ALL the people that person knows! cool huh!

p.s. see how on this picture the "show shares" box is not selected...you want to make sure it's checked!!!

Lastly...facebook and blog buttons!

You need to get these...create an adoption page if you haven't see social media post....and post these on your blogs...many people blog and they are happy to post a blog button on their blog for you.  You may say "Deanna how do I do that?"  Well, I just googled it that is how I learned I had no clue! But I found you this link and it will walk you thru it:) I also hunted on others blogs and copied their html and added my links and picts.  When you pick a picture for this you will want to make sure your picture shows your faces...make sure you are thinking "will someone want to click on my button?"  Is it boring or attractive! Does it say I want to adopt?  Hint: I used a picture of my wanting to adopt pass a long cards.  I worked great!

These need to be on your blog for others to "like" your Facebook page and be aware that you have one and for them to help you...they could be big time bloggers and have lots of traffic come to their blogs and because you have a button and they "know" your story they post your button on their blog!  Some of my coolest online friends came about because we were creeping each other's blogs and felt like we knew each other already!

I hope this has helped a bunch of you out there and again I am not trying to offend anyone just help...this is like a buffet table, take what you like and leave what you don't...lol...

**I am hoping to maybe have a birthmother write a post as well regarding blogging and Facebook too...if you are one and are interested please comment below or email me at ldsadoptioconnection@yahoo.com:)

-Deanna

By His light...

I just read Kurt and Shaileen's post...and I am so broken hearted for them...broken hearted is an understatement...As someone that has felt the raw despair of a devastating failed placement recently I know first hand what they feel...It is a feeling that I hope no-one ever has to experience...the feelings are so indescribable since the pain is so immense...

I am not sure why some of us have to experience such severe trials, but I do know that thru these we gain much understanding...we become better people..more resilient people...more compassionate people...more understanding people...we become who Heavenly Father wants us to ultimately be... Heavenly Father does not forget what we endure...even if we have at times felt forsaken...He is there...

In the days after what happened in our placement reversal with Emerson...I felt numb, I had no desire to eat, I felt forgotten at times, I felt love and peace even though I felt such pain, I would have waves of tears that would hit, when I noticed I was ok I felt guilty because I was so so sad, I felt like I was living in a paused nightmare-like dream so to say...thru this pain Heavenly Father was able to show me how much James and I are loved...how everyone cared so much for us even though we were barely communicating with anyone...he showed me how to ask for help when I needed it and showed us how to allow others to help us...before this I would not have asked... 

When I read what Kurt wrote he reminded me of James (my husband)...both are such incredibly strong men...You can see how Kurt loves Shaileen so much...and how his heart breaks for her pain...I am not sure how to describe how this pain feels...seeing your spouse in such anguish is again nothing I would ever want anyone to experience...Kurt is an extremely strong man...as James, Heavenly Father prepared them to care for their wives...to console them...to strengthen them...to be the one to speak for them...to hold them...

In closing, I ask that all of you take the time to pray for them, pray for K as Kurt asked, pray for baby boy, pray for them to have understanding and peace...for them to feel all the love we and those around them feel for them, pray for them to feel closer to each other and the Savior more than ever...And lastly, when you do read their post please leave a comment...you all have no idea how much those comments on my posts and Facebook or in emails meant to me and James and still do...even though they may not respond at this time they will remember them and it DOES make a difference...

Kurt and Shaileen's blogpost:

 http://shaileenandkurt.blogspot.com/2013/03/failed-adoption-placement-2.html

What's Mine Is Yours..

You guys, I have spent my entire day listening to this song over and over. I pulled up the R House blog this morning to see a new post detailing how Lindsey (Mrs. R) had a special tie to this song by Katherine Nelson. She shared the touching story of how her and her son's birthmom sat together listening to a live performance of this song and then got to meet Katherine and tell her about their story.

Today Katherine Nelson released a video to go along with her song "What's Mine Is Yours". I clicked on the link that Lindsey had included and within moments tears were rolling down my cheeks. The emotion Katherine conveys, the images of the mother who loses her sweet baby and of the courageous birthmom placing her baby in the arms of another....ah, it just rocked me to my very core, but in a GOOD way.

I have literally been pulling up youtube and playing the song for anyone who will listen. It is so beautiful and the message is so tender to me, being someone who has experienced both a miscarriage and the miracle of a birthmom placing their most precious gift in my arms.

Please support Katherine by going onto her website  or Amazon and purchasing this song. Share it with your family members and friends. She has been blessed with an amazing talent and I am so grateful that she used it to write this song.  May it touch your heart as it has touched mine today.

Katherine Nelson's website: www.katherinenelson.com


Disclaimer: I was not paid for this review nor was I approached by Katherine Nelson to write it. I just think she is AMAZING!!!!

-Elise

Guest Post: Amber

So last year I attended the Southwest FSA conference and while I was there I met Amber and her hubby who were just starting out on their adoption journey. Amber wrote an awesome post this week on her personal blog. It was about the questions she is asked about their open adoption with their birthmom and I asked her if she would share it with the readers of this blog. Here is a brief intro:

"Hi my name is Amber, I am 27 years old and a new mommy through the miracle of adoption.My husband and I have been married for 8 years. I am an advocate for adoption! I love spending time with my husband and baby. I enjoy creating new things, blogging, and seeing a good movie. I am just an ordinary girl living an extraordinary life."

Here is the post:

Candace & Amber

When D turned 2 Months old we had a special visit from his birthmom. Oh goodness we were SO excited to have her at our house, and look forward to many more visits over the years. Like I have said before, I love this girl, she gave my son life <3 and she is everything to me. We had a fun time together like we always do :)



D loves his Birthmomma

ADOPTION TALK.....
I know open adoption is a foreign language to many, but things have changed-most private adoptions are open. It is for good reason - is better for all parties involved. Because of my "situation of becoming a mom through open adoption" I have had multiple people ask/say to me things like this:

1. Isn't it weird to still talk to your son's birthmom?

No, it is not. Why would it be? We became close and bonded during her pregnancy, and can you imagine the connection I have to this beautiful soul who gave birth to my son? She is our own angel. Not to mention one of the only people who loves my son as much as I do. It is a joy in my day to talk with her about her own life, and to share what we are doing as well. She is my sister and friend.

2. Isn't it hard for his birthmom to see him or see pictures of him that you post on fb, instagram?

I cannot speak for my son's birthmom and birthdad, but I feel that this is not "hard" for them, instead I think it is reassuring to them, to see him growing, being healthy, happy, and loved. I think it brings them comfort knowing what a joy, treasure, and blessing he is to us.

3. Aren't you worried she (birthmom) will try to "take him back"?

No, I am not worried. This is probably the most frustrating question.... I KNOW my son's birthmom - birthdad and I know their families, I know how they feel about my son's placement with us. I trust them FULLY. AND.....not to get technical, but there are legal steps taken to place our son in our home one being that parental rights are terminated in front of a judge. His birthparents knowingly did this to ensure our son's placement in our family. They want him to be with us!

4. Are you worried about his birthmom "bonding" with him?

No. I am not worried. Why on earth would I (having an 'OPEN' adoption) be so closed minded? My son's adoption is not a secret, to him or to anyone for that matter. Derrick will be taught to love his birthmom because she gave him life. She is a wonderful person, and Derrick will know who she is, and know that because she loves him, she placed him with our family.

5. She (birthmom) must have a rough life to give up her baby

Although there are some women that do have a 'rough life', please do not assume that ALL women who place their baby for adoption are in that catagory. Not only is it an assumption, it is hurtful and puts me on defense mode. I LOVE and ADORE and ADMIRE my son's birthmom. She is extremely mature for her age and honestly has it together more than a lot of people my own age. She knows what she wants to do with her life, she is smart, and she made a decision for her son's best interest - a selfless act that took a lot of careful thought, consideration, prayer, and courage. And please don't use the word "GIVE UP" when referring to adoption. It is so hurtful, my son was lovingly "placed" and his birthparents did not give up on him or give him up.

I hope I have been able to encourage positive thinking towards open adoption. I want to show that open adoption has brought happiness to our family. And to share some insight into this beautiful place I find myself in an OPEN and LOVING adoption. <3 <3 <3"


Isn't she awesome? What a great adoption advocate. I'm hoping she will be joining us as a guest blogger again in the future! Thanks Amber! To read more about Amber's family, check out their blog at throughlovewegrow.blogspot.com -Elise

Strength & Hope

Picture from http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/laurie-taylor.html

"Wherefore ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."  2 Nephi 31:20

Since October of 2010, I have been meeting up with a group of first time adoptive moms, women hoping to become adoptive moms and women who are now adoptive moms to their second baby. It has been the best thing ever for me, given me an outlet, a place to discuss fears, worries, joys and hope. HOPE. Hope for those who are still waiting to find their baby. Hope for those who have had a child placed in their home and want to add to their family again in the future. Hope that somehow the pain and sadness we have felt in the past because of infertility will be lessened as time goes on.

Hope is important, because it gives us purpose. I have learned so much about hope and why it is never naive to have hope for something greater than yourself. Adoption is a miracle. Literally, you will see miracles, things that just wouldn't make any sense without there being divine direction.
The point of this is to tell you I know that there is a purpose to everything we experience and that when we have hope for our future, we can have peace during the journey.

I am so grateful for the women that I meet with and the hope that they encourage in my heart. I hope that each of you have a network of people in your life that encourage and uplift you during the tumultuous journey that is adoption. But if you don't have someone, know that I am here, no matter where you are. Feel free to email me at joshandelise at hotmail dot com.

And I'm moving to Tucson this summer, which is scary to me, to be farther away from my group but exciting for our family, since my husband will be starting his medical school rotations. So if you live in or near Tucson and would like to meet up with me, let me know! -Elise

Finding Balance on the Adoption Roller Coaster

Disclaimer: I originally wrote this for my personal blog www.brighamoliviasally.blogspot.com, but decided to also use it for my weekly post on http://ldsadoptioncouples.blogspot.com/.  So, if it looks familiar to you, that's why.  (Either that, or you're just as obsessive about adoption as I am and get just as stuck.)


Last week we were contacted by two birth moms.  I don't think I can aptly describe the feeling of talking on the phone with each of these girls.  Heart pounding, hands shaking, wondering if what I'm saying makes any sense, wondering what she's thinking, how she feels, why she chose to contact us.  And then wondering why she didn't call back.  (Out of respect for these girls who are faced with so many tough decisions, I won't go into details here.)


(On a side note: We've had so many problems with our phones that I worry we've missed calls or discouraged callers.  We seem to have the home phone problem fixed.  My stupid cell phone is another issue.  It drops calls, and often won't hold a signal long enough for me to be able to answer or talk for long.  Still working on this.)


I could easily go crazy!  I know I will get better at knowing what to say/ask and hopefully will get better at reading people over the phone.  But, I don't think it will get any easier.  It's such a different experience than we had last time.  


"We have a baby for you.  Can you come get it?"  Um, yes, thank you.  Knowing what I know now, I kind of feel like we cheated.  We got so lucky with Olivia and Alyssa.  Well, it probably wasn't luck.  It was meant to be.  Olivia was meant to be ours and Alyssa was meant to be part of our family.  I love how things have worked out.  I love Alyssa.  And I love our sweet Olivia.


And I love the idea of adopting again and having another wonderful relationship with our birth mom.  But I'm scared that it won't be the same.  I know it won't be the same, and I guess I don't want it to be exactly the same, but I still worry.  I worry about what the process will do to me.  Will I have any nerves or sanity left by the time we are blessed with another baby?  I'm trying to focus on getting from here to there and not getting stuck in the moment.


For me, "stuck in the moment" is checking our profile stats obsessively to see how many people have looked at our profile, how many have looked at our contact page.  (I know exactly where the mouse needs to be on each page of the log in process before I get to it.)  It's not wanting to go anywhere I can't use my cell phone (which, these days, happens to include my home and neighborhood), or where I would have to turn it off.  It's unhealthy and downright dangerous.  Would I pass up an opportunity to attend the temple because a potential birth mom might call during that time block?  Fortunately, I haven't gotten that bad.  Yet.  So, I am trying to find other things to do that are both productive and engrossing so I'm not always thinking about adoption.  Yesterday that included cleaning the house and cleaning up vomit.  (Oh wait, that last was just gross.)  I'm looking for service opportunities, I'm trying to spend more quality time with my family and with friends.  I'm looking for new adventures.  I'm coloring my hair today because it sounds like fun and because I've never done it.


"Stuck in the moment," for me, also includes focusing so much on adoption that I appear, and quite frankly, am, a little unbalanced in my interactions with others.  Someone may ask me, "How are things going?"  And I answer with an adoption roller coaster update.  And what they probably really meant was something like: "How is Brigham enjoying the new school year?  How many students does he have?  Has he moved into the new building yet?" or "Is Olivia still taking swimming and dance lessons?  Is she loving preschool as much this year as she did last year?" or "Have you done your visiting teaching yet?  What are you guys planning to be for Halloween?  Is your dog still walking on only three legs?"  Or any number of other things that are going on in my life.  It isn't all about adoption.  I'm not saying that others aren't interested in our journey.  Everyone is supportive, but it's probably rather tiresome for me to come across as having a one-track mind.


I'm working on it, but this process is absorbing.  I feel like it could suck the life right out of me if I don't find a way to balance the adoption portion of my life with the rest of it.

Taboo or Empowerment

Picture via online

The other night my husband and I were out to dinner with another couple and the topic turned to our adoption.  As usual we were talking about how it was going and they were asking questions...then they brought up that they knew a family member and their spouse that had been stuggling with infertility and considering the possability of adoption.  They said how it was hard to relate for them to their family member since they themselves have never had a struggle in this arena...I respected that...It takes alot to realize you don't know how it feels and to admit you don't know what to say.  They also mentioned how this family member didn't really know anyone in this arena...

It was so interesting how I felt so alive speaking openly about adoption and our journey with it thus far...now a year ago I wouldn't have known what to say and would have felt embarrassed or awkward to talk about it.  It is crazy how time and awareness changes us.  I felt like I just wanted to reach out to their family member and hug them and tell them it was going to be ok...That God has a plan for their family and if adoption is the way that is going to happen, then I want them to know where to look and help them to know others who have been where they are and felt what they have felt too...

When we first decided to adopt, we knew nothing, we had family that adopted but that was like 20 yrs ago and it was closed and adoption is so different now, and then we had like one couple friend who had adopted but at the time it wasn't like they were our best friends ya know...I just feel that if I had only had someone to help me along at the begining to know it was ok...to encourage me to be proud of the fact that our child was going to come through adoption...that God was in charge...that it wasn't taboo to talk about...that I wasn't the only one to feel weird at first to talk about it, it would have helped me soooo much at the beginning...

**disclaimer - now yes I know I have lots of friends now that are amazing but sometimes we really need somebody to get really real with us and tell us the raw stuff and help us be strong...or at least maybe "I" just did...but again I can't possibly be the only one...

I have decided that THIS is a topic I wish adoption conferences spoke more about!  ADOPTION EMPOWERMENT (How to feel about Adoption - How to talk about it with others at the "beginning" - How to be proud and Excited in the Beginning and not be scared or feel weird).  How much easier would it have been for you if you had others to really sincerely help you in the beginning to be ok with it...to not feel like a failure since this is your path...that this was God's plan for your family right now and to help you be proud to talk with others not feel ashamed.  I know I struggled sooo much with this at the beginning and I know it does take time to come to terms with things but I also feel that when we have strong friends and guides, it makes everything all the much better :-)