Sixteen and a Mom...

All I know is I just watched this and I am still teary...ALL of you need to watch this.... birth mom's and women considering placing for Adoption should too.  My husband ended up seeing it on TV about a month ago and kept saying "Deanna you have got to find this movie and watch it" I should have watched it sooner but I can see now why it touched him so dearly since Audri had just been placed with us.  I am so thankful for the selfless sacrifice that Audri's birthmother made for her and us...there are no words....

**This is a full uninterrupted version...**

On the Lord's Timing

I have hunted for this video because I just loved it so much even WAY before we ever considered adoption...Heavenly Father's plan and timing is ALWAYS what is best for us even when we are like "Please just let this be it Heavenly Father!"  He knows what we need and He KNOWS how we need to be prepared to receive it...I know many of us wish it could be His plan but our timing but that isn't how it works is it...We would never feel the overwhelming Joy if everytime we just got what we wanted when we wanted it...We would maybe never want for the things He knows we would really want if we didn't face adversity and struggle...He knows whats best...

Just click here to watch the video...

IT IS...Ok to feel...

I have been feeling that I should re-post this post on LDS Adoption Connection from my personal Blog since I wrote it and after meeting up on Saturday night with my Adoption girl group, I decided I should....I am sure their are many of you that have felt or feel how I have felt...

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

IT IS... ok to feel...

Well, I was sitting here and thinking and realized I have had something change in me recently. All of a sudden I feel not afraid to put it out there...let me explain. When we first decided to adopt I was scared and embarrassed to talk about why we had decided to adopt...I don't mean we had any issues with the part of loving a child as our own that we adopted...I mean more of the part of having to talk about my feelings and with strangers, having to say that we have issues somehow in the reproducing department, especially when you are in a ward like mine which could be known as a baby factory..lol. I didn't want to have to tell anyone I was hurting or feel as if I was the one with the problem needing the ear.

Now you have to understand that I am the friend that is typically the "tough girl" emotionally. I love to talk and I love to tell it like it is...I have no problem sharing how I feel about someone or something and showing affection. But, when it comes to sharing my insecurities or a not so obvious problem with anyone...now that is really REALLY hard for me. It's even hard sometimes for me to tell my Mom when I feel sad unless it is obvious. I have always been the type of girl that ran as fast as I could away from having to think about something that is emotionally sad for me. I have been the master of distraction in this department. I have been through alot of difficult things emotionally and gotten thru with it being the tough girl. But with this I can't be. I have to think about it...If I avoid it I won't have what I want and my children may not get to me.

At first I was unsure how to talk about it or acted like I didn't really care about certain stuff (code for me not wanting to feel at the risk of feeling sad)and just felt like we will just do what we can and go on...but now I feel like, "why was I like that?" Maybe because I didn't feel I really belonged in the group with the other couples hoping to adopt or who had adopted since I had given birth to a baby before.

I felt like why would someone want to pick us to care for their baby if there are people who have never had a baby and I had? Even though James has never had the baby experience why would they want us since we have Abbe? (Abbe was 4 when James and I met) I felt bad for having felt what it was like to have a baby...I felt like I didn't deserve to be with these other women who some know why they hadn't conceived.

But, what I have realized is that all of us that are wanting to Adopt, all have worthy reasons. I have realized that IT IS ok to be sad that I can't for some reason conceive a child with James and that I wish more than anything that we could but know that is not Heavenly Father's plan right now. I have to remember that IT IS ok that I feel sad that when I think about when I had Abbe that not everything was perfect or ideal. That IT IS ok that I wish I could have been in a more prepared state when I had Abbe. That IT IS ok for me to feel sad at the thought that I would have savored every moment when I was pregnant with Abbe if I had known I may not ever have that again. IT IS ok that I feel sad that James is the absolute Love of my Life and I have not been able to experience this with him. IT IS ok for me to want this for us and for it to be hard emotionally. IT IS ok for me to talk about it.

I feel that Heavenly Father obviously knows why we are to go through this and why I have to work through these feelings and can't just run and hide under the covers. I know that this has made me stronger already...I do sometimes think I wish Heavenly Father would give us a break a bit...lol...if its not one struggle it's another. I wonder sometimes what His purpose is for me in all of this.

I wonder what will come...How will we look back on this in 5 years...I wonder what we will say about this time in our life. I guess if I look back at my life even 2 yrs ago it would have been hard/almost impossible for me to see how beautifully everything has fallen into place from then...back then we had some really hard trials emotionally and I know now without a doubt I am one strong woman to make it through that...there were days that it was so hard for me to see past tomorrow ...But I do know that I would have never gotten through if it weren't for Heavenly Father that I could turn to...A Heavenly Father who gave me a wonderful family...A wonderful Family who blessed me with the most wonderful husband that loves Abbe and me more than anything...

So as I ramble, I know that IT IS ok to do all that I can to help our birthmom to find us and us her and find our baby. I don't need to be embarrassed or feel weird about it...I should be proud that she is out there caring for our sweet little baby that will soon be here and that we want to find her. IT IS ok.

We are the little Currant Bush

I don't know if any of your were like me but I loved the talk that Elder D. Todd Christofferson gave at this April's General Conference entitled "As Many as I love, I rebuke and Chasten."  Now many of you may be thinking how does this have to do with Adoption already and I will get there...lol...In this talk he speaks about a farmer and a little Currant bush that was on the farmer's land and that the farmer had to prune down this bush because it wasn't reaching it's potential and then related it to chastening.  

He states:

Divine chastening has at least three purposes: (1) to persuade us to repent, (2) to refine and sanctify us, and (3) at times to redirect our course in life to what God knows is a better path.

When I heard this talk this year it totally hit me...I am that currant bush...There have been so many times that I have wondered "Why are you doing this Heavenly Father?"..."We are doing what we are supposed to do and just want to build our family"...(I am sure many of you can relate)...but then I realized (in an awe moment) that I am needing to be redirected to his plan...his plans are better than mine...even if they are hard for me to see or I feel like how can it be at times, they always are. 

He later goes on to state:

"Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yea, he trieth their patience and their faith."

... Their faith was immeasurably strengthened by their experience, and ever after they enjoyed a special bond with the Lord.

 The struggles of infertility are enough to try even the most patient people but the rewards that we will have from the struggle are like Elder Christofferson said "immeasurable."

He states:

God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us.

Struggles bring us closer to Heavenly Father.  I know that this path of infertility and adoption  leads to special gifts that some others will never get to experience spiritually.   We are being refined and purified so that when we do receive these gifts we are ready and can appreciate them.  He wants us to reach our full potential and sometimes we must be cut down like the little currant bush in order to do so...

One in Six!

I recently read this article Dealing with Infertility and Childlessness thought some of you might think this is interesting too...I have heard 1 in 6 couples before like it states but for some reason never thought about this.  That is ALOT of couples...I attend a ward that is enormous in the sense that it has over 190 children in the primary alone (yes it is a baby factory....j/k) and when I think of this, this is hard for me to think this is true but what I don't know is the struggle that many may have had to have those children or that in someone else's ward they may have more infertile couples than mine...

The article states:

Couples who are not able to have children may experience a wide spectrum of feelings—jealousy, despair, envy, isolation, and bitterness. They may feel singled out for an ordeal few others seem to experience, and they might find it difficult to fit into social circles where everyone else has children. The anguish can go so deep that seeing a baby can feel like a knife in their hearts.

I know I have felt like this before!  There have been times when I don't even know what to say...My husband and I raise my 10 year old daughter whom I had before I met my husband.  James and I don't have any children together and people assume we are done or only want(ed) one...Little have they known that we desperately have wanted children for years...

It further states:

Men and women tend to react somewhat differently to infertility. Women often experience profound grief and sadness. They tend to cry a lot and to reduce their anxiety by talking about what they're experiencing. Men, on the other hand, express fewer anguished feelings and seem to be less affected by being childless. They generally don't feel as free to talk about their feelings and tend to have less opportunity to discuss them with friends. 

How many of you are the cry-ers?  That is me for sure...not recently but it comes in waves...I am sure you can relate!

I especially liked this part of the article but think it can most definitely apply to friends as well...unless you have struggled with infertility yourself or have had a person really close to you go through it, you most likely don't get it and can risk saying some really dumb things to those that struggle even though you never intended to:

 

What Can Family Members Do to Help?

Couples struggling with childlessness need support from family members and friends. However, it's important not to be intrusive into this very private dimension of a marriage. Here are a few tips to help the ones you love.

• Show understanding and acceptance.
• Listen without giving advice.
• Let the couple know you are there for them.
• Don't ask a woman if she is pregnant.
• Give the couple respect and privacy.
• Don't offer false hope.
• Don't joke about infertility.
• Don't suggest solutions, such as infertility treatments, adoption, or foster parenting. These are options that should be privately discussed between a couple.
• Don't offer the commonly repeated misinformation that a woman who adopts often gets pregnant soon after.
• Learn about infertility so you can be an informed listener.

After reading this list they should also add if the couple is certified to adopt and waiting to be chosen by a Birth-mother DO NOT ASK

"So How is the Adoption Going?"

I know people are just trying to be caring but really this HAS got to be the worst question you could ever ask someone that is wanting to adopt and waiting.   Trust me they will tell you first or you will see them with a child and by this you will know "How the Adoption is Going."  By asking this it only brings up the painful reminder that they still aren't parenting the child they so desperately pray for or that a birth-mother has not chosen them to care for their child...

Instead ask them "Is there anything I or we can do to help with your Adoption?"  This shows you are thinking about them and they might really need your help!  Ask them if they have Pass-a-long cards that you can help give or if they have a blog/site you can link to your email signature for others to see.  Trust me they will always remember you asked and that you cared instead of thinking about the fact that they are still waiting!  Hey and you never know you may just be the one that helped them find their baby!

If you want to read the entire article you can click here

 **Original article was written by Jeremy S. Boyle, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.

Infertility and your Husband...

 

I came across this excerpt about this book today and how cool is this!  There really is nothing out there for husbands to read or help them with the process of infertility it is all for women.  I am really curious about this book and most likely will end up getting this.  Husbands really have no one to talk to about it...it is more of a girl thing.  We talk to our friends or Mom's and yeah we feel alone but they really have no one to talk to...How many guys out there do you know that go and talk to other guys about why their wife isn't getting pregnant or how the struggle of infertility might make them feel as a man.   Check out the video below, it's the Author on the Today show...

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Here is the direct link to the article about this book!

**A little disclaimer...I am not saying that I agree with surrogacy since it is featured in the video, it is just what they happened to choose...