A Birthmother's story...

Why is Tamra, an LDS birth mother, rocking the adoption community?? 

She said "I've seen people tell me after the fact, "Had I known the information, had I heard your story, I would have placed my child [for adoption] and they would have had a better life." I've had people who have had abortions tell me "Had I had accurate and current information, had I heard your story, I would have made a different choice." 

"God was using me to find his family. On this mortal side of things it looks like I shared him with them, but in reality they shared him with me. And the reason is because I needed him too. God got 2 birds with 1 stone: Justin had to go home, but he saved my life on the way." -Tamra

Birthmom Guest Post

Hello readers! Today we have the pleasure of getting to hear from a birthmom named Chelsey. I met Chelsey at the Southwest Regional FSA Conference in 2010 when she was still pregnant. I saw her again last year at the conference and since placement she has met her eternal companion and they were recently married this summer in the Mesa Temple.  A few weeks ago, I was contacted by an adoptive mom named Vanessa and after visiting her blog, I realized she was the adoptive mom of Chelsey's little boy. Small world! Anywho, Vanessa and her hubby Justin are hoping to adopt again and were interested in being featured on this blog. I told her to go ahead and write up something and send it to me. I was pleasantly surprised when she wrote me back and said that Chelsey had actually wanted to write something about the couple for all of us to read. I love getting to share different perspectives and really value the point of view of birthmoms so I was thrilled to feature this family and to share their birthmom's thoughts. Enjoy! -Elise

 Vanessa, Chelsey & Tanner

In the year of 2010, the following events redefined what it means to be a mother. In April, I found out I was pregnant. I came to the realization that I needed to place my baby with the family he deserves. I began to look into adoption, I went to itsaboutlove.org and just stared at the computer. Now mind you I had a checklist of things that I felt my baby needed from his parents. They both needed be educated, financially secure, they needed to love going camping, they had to put family first, and live in a house where they didn't plan to move from for at least a few years. When I finally built up the courage to click on the search couples button, the very first couple that popped up was Justin and Vanessa. I distinctly remember seeing this beautiful blonde woman with curly hair with her studly husband. They were the picture perfect couple for being in love. As I looked through every single one of their pictures they had pictures of camping, and just doing so many fun things together. Next I read through their random facts. Vanessa LOVES ice cream..... that's all I ate being pregnant. The way Justin talked about his wife just made me fall in love with them; he is the NICEST man you will ever meet!! I felt that I needed to know more about them so I emailed them, and began down a road that I will cherish for my whole life. We started emailing in June and it was amazing! Every time my phone buzzed with the email alert I would just smile and couldn't wait to see what they had said. The BEST PART about Justin and Vanessa was that they didn't just ask about the pregnancy and baby, they asked about me. What I was interested in and what I loved about life. They love me for who I am, not just because I placed my son with them. As time went along, we became the best of friends! I felt that I needed to meet them in person, I needed to know how they acted together, if they held hands, or just funny things like that. So we decided that Labor Day weekend they would fly out and meet me. We met at the mall, it was a public place so if we didn't like each other we could run away :) But as soon as we pulled into the parking lot, and I'm waddling to the entrance, they spot me and just hugged me. It was like I had known them my whole life. It wasn't awkward or scary anymore. It was just right.

We spent the whole weekend together playing games, going out to eat, and just talking. The best memory I have of that weekend was Justin always held Vanessa's hand, he always held doors open for everyone. He was a Prince Charming! He was everything a man should be. Not sure if I have ever told him this but he set the example for the type of guy I needed to have in my life. When it was time for them to leave, I cried. I felt like a piece of me was leaving. I wanted to pack myself in a suitcase and just go with them. I was having a baby boy, and I asked them what names they liked and all they wanted was his middle name to be Malan after his Great Grand Father. I asked them if we could name him Tanner, after my brother; who also helped me come to realization I needed to do adoption. They Loved it. So on December 8th, Tanner Malan was born at 4:58 pm. He was 9 lbs and 8 oz. 21 3/4 inches long. I spent all three days in the hospital with him. Not sleeping so we could have all the time together. When it was time to place him, I was scared. But Justin and Vanessa were the best support. We signed the paperwork and I handed him to Vanessa, and honestly it was the best moment. Tanner looked at me and if he could have talked he would have said I love you. He snuggled up to Vanessa and they were in love. They spent the next week in AZ so that I could have lots of time with Tanner. Every day I came over, and as soon as I walked in they handed him right to me. I held him from when I walked in until I left. The last night they were here, I stayed the night and had the opportunity to take care of him. A memory that I am so grateful they let me experience. They finally went home and I received picture after picture, almost hourly! We Skyped, talked on the phone, and they sent me packages of print outs. In his bedroom they put up pictures of just me and him together. It was hard placing Tanner, but Justin and Vanessa called me and comforted me.

They always keep me up to date with what he is doing. Even now when he will be 2 this December, I talk with them often. I've had 3 visits since he was born. Every time I come, I always get to spend as much time as I want with him. They even came to my wedding!! I became a real mom when I put the needs of my son above my own wants. I wanted to bring home but I needed him to have everything I couldn't provide a mom AND a dad, a stable life wherehe could grow up and just be happy and safe. Justin and Vanessa not only did that but they also took care of me. I can't even count all the pictures, videos, packages, Skype sessions we have had. If you're expecting and reading this and thinking about adoption, I will never have the words to describe the love this family will have for you. But I promise they will always take care of you through this journey. I love them more than life itself. I love my son more than my own life, and he is the happiest little man alive.They changed my life for the better. I will always love them and have the up most respect for them. I am excited that they are approved to adopt again, Tanner will be a great big brother!

Love their birthmom, Chelsey

Check out their blog at jandvfamilyfun.blogspot.com

Letting Our Birth Mom Live Her Life

I know there are differing opinions on this topic, even amongst my friends, so let me just preface this with, as always, these are my opinions. 

I sincerely believe in letting our birth mom live her life the way she chooses, even though it is so very foreign from my own.  It’s not my place to judge her or to tell her that she needs to make some changes in her life.  Do I wish she lived a healthier lifestyle?  Sure.  I wish I lived a healthier lifestyle (but not enough to put down the chocolate doughnut and go running at 5:00 AM).

We invited Alyssa, Olivia’s birth mom, out last year for Olivia’s third birthday.   When she called to tell me she was off the plane and had her bags, she said she was stepping out for a quick smoke and then would be ready for us to pick her up.  I’m not going to lie.  At that moment, I had a teeny, tiny freak-out.  I didn’t know she was smoking again.  Cigarette smoke is one of my migraine triggers, so I was worried.  (Just to be clear, I was not worried that she’d smoke in the house.)  I decided to be mellow and see what happened.

What happened was we had an amazing visit.  Having her stay with us was the best thing we could have done—for all of us.  For Olivia, Alyssa isn’t just some pictures and a character in stories we tell her.  She’s real.  Olivia knows her, knows who she is, and loves her.  And the smoking really didn’t get in the way.  Alyssa was so respectful.  She’d go outside, down the street, and around the corner—in August—in Phoenix—so Olivia wouldn’t see what she was doing.  And Brigham and I didn’t say a word.

Alyssa went to church with us when she was here.  I think it was the first time she’d been to any church.  She had bought a new outfit just for church.  She said she wanted to be respectful and be sure all her tattoos were covered.  I love her for that.  Not just for covering her tattoos, but for wanting to be respectful of us, of our standards.  Why in the world wouldn’t we show her that same respect?

I may not like some of the choices she makes—indeed, some of them pain me—but I respect that they are her choices to make.  We would never tell her that she can’t be a part of Olivia’s life unless she stops smoking and drinking.  And she would never dream of smoking or drinking around Olivia.

It seems I’ve painted a rather dark picture of our birth mom here.  That was certainly not my intention.  I just wanted to highlight our mutual love and respect for each other.  So, to offset the above, let me tell you what an amazing person she is.  Well, we all know she’s selfless for placing her baby.  And she chose us, so she has good taste.  She has an incredible work ethic.  She works full time in a management position and goes to school full time, as well.  She’s majoring in math.  (I’m praying Olivia got those math genes from her!)  She’s intelligent, witty, and a true friend.  And we love her like crazy.

So while our lives are so very different, we are able to come together and enjoy each other.  We're family.

Beautiful...this video is...

I just saw this on one of the birthmom blogs I follow...It is so beautiful...you can feel what they feel...it's without words...what an amazing woman she is!  I hope she doesn't mind that I am sharing it all with you...

If you would like to visit her blog it is:  http://myangelsfromgod.blogspot.com/

A Birthmother's story...

I just came across this Birth-mother Blog and I have to say she is amazing!  For those that haven't adopted yet and want to know more about what your birth-mother may be going through this is a perfect example. Here is her story..

Cold Risotto

Today's guest blogger is Jill Elizabeth from The Happiest Sad.  She is a birth mom who has written for us in the past. I love her blog because she has a way with words and has so many good things to teach the world about adoption.


Today, I have a story for you. It's made-up but I think it's a good story. I promise there's a point to it. Here it goes. (My sincerest apologies if your name happens to be Susan. It's a lovely name.)

Once upon a time, a woman - let's call her Susan - went to a restaurant. Susan was very, very hungry. Some people might have thought she was stupid to go to a restaurant when most people cook for themselves, but that was Susan's business, not theirs, and for one reason or other, Susan was going to a restaurant for dinner.

Susan's waitress was very friendly right off the bat. She made Susan feel welcome and kept her water glass full and took her order and promised it would be out shortly. Excited and, as I said, very hungry, Susan eagerly awaited her risotto. She was so hungry, she thought this risotto was going to be the best thing in the world. As she waited, she had visions of risotto dancing in her head and all she could think of was how happy she'd be once the waitress brought out her dish.

Some time passed, and suddenly the waitress was getting as crabby as Susan was. Finally, after half an hour or more, the waitress slammed down a dish of cold risotto and the bill and stalked away. Susan was stunned. And the risotto, in addition to being rather cold, was quite possibly the most disgusting dish of risotto ever served in the history of food.

Susan was, understandably, appalled. She complained to management. The manager was appalled as well, and tried to explain things. Shortly after Susan's order had been placed, the chef quit. The waitress received a phone call from her boyfriend, who dumped her - on the phone, and while she was at work! The manager assured Susan that her dinner was an exception, not the norm. This was a top-notch restaurant with a good reputation. He offered to comp the dinner and pushed a gift card at Susan in the hopes that she would give them another try and see that their restaurant was not as bad as all that.

But Susan was unable to get past her cold risotto experience. She told every person she knew about it. She blogged about what a horrible restaurant it was, and how no one should ever eat there. When people mentioned to her that they'd eaten there and had a lovely time, she railed at them that they must be stupid not to see what a terrible restaurant it was, and she harassed those people repeatedly and with great force about what a bad decision they'd made. She ridiculed them for their naiveté. She found their personal blogs and left numerous comments about what idiots they were to even consider eating at that restaurant again. In Susan's opinion, this restaurant should be closed down immediately and not allowed to open again until changes were made to ensure that no one would ever be served cold risotto again - in fact, they shouldn't even serve risotto. Susan decided to make it her life's work to speak out against the restaurant, and she couldn't understand why the whole world didn't join in her crusade.

Now, you're probably wondering why on earth I am blathering on about snippy Susan and her cold risotto. Susan sounds like a real piece of work, doesn't she? Because really, who could have such an ego as to assume that if they had a bad experience somewhere, no one else should even consider that place?

Let's change the subject for a second, and then I'll get back to Susan.

Sorry, that's a terrible segue. Here's a better one.



That is an awesome Segway.


Anyway.


I have a great experience with adoption. I think it's wonderful. I might not tell the entire world to eat at this restaurant called adoption, but if I knew someone was hungry and didn't know where to eat, I would certainly tell them to consider eating there. I would tell them about my experience so they would know that, even though it serves up the occasional dish of cold risotto, eating out isn't a hazardous thing. It can be, but it doesn't have to be.

But I have noticed that there are a number of Susans in the adoption world - on-line, in any case, and they are just as snippy and unyielding and very much against the institution that they feel wronged them so much. They got cold risotto. And that's not fair, and I won't argue that point. What I take exception to is these Susans (allow me to apologize if your name happens to be Susan) who go on-line and tell hungry people that they need to learn how to cook because restaurants are inherently wrong. I don't like hungry people being told they're going to get food poisoning if they eat out.

You know what? I can't stop these people. I know there are people out there for whom adoption has not been a good thing. I feel sorry for them. The things that have happened to some people are unfair, wrong, and shouldn't happen to anyone. But I get tired of them insisting that adoption is a bad thing, refusing to believe that it can be an amazing and wonderful thing, simply because it wasn't for them.

Adoption was the best thing in the world for my little Roo. It was the best thing in the world for my mother. And it was the best thing in the world for probably close to 100 little children I can think of just off the top of my head. I'm sure there are countless others for whom it was also the best. We're all happy with our risotto. We are proof that the restaurant isn't a bad place, that the risotto isn't always cold and that, just the opposite, it's frequently the best dish on the menu.

Susan's risotto was bad, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let her tell me that my risotto was a mistake and that I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life and that I "lost" my appetite to risotto.

For every horrible, traumatic, food-poisoning story you hear about adoption, there are probably ten thousand stories or the best dinner ever that no one ever tells. Cold risotto makes for good news. A cozy family meal interests no one.

Is adoption always the right, best, most wonderful thing in the world? Nope. Because it involves people, and people are imperfect. But I think each hungry person should be able to decide for him- or herself how best to have dinner.



Would you like to be a guest blogger?  Check out this link to see what we're looking for, and then contact us!

Birth Mother Love

I don't see how anyone who sees these photos can say that girls who choose adoption "don't love" their babies.

Letting Go

Earlier this month I wrote about the Cardinal Rules of open adoption and I mentioned that I learned about a few of them the hard way.  I just wanted to briefly talk about one of the rules that I broke.

This is a photo of me, my husband, and our birth mom taken last fall

Adoption photography by Tonja Day

Throughout this adoption journey, I feel like I've transformed into The Mother Bear.  And as The Mother Bear, I felt so protective of our birth mom.  (Which ultimately lead me to break Rule #3.)

For months and months I felt like it was my own personal responsibility to make sure she was right with the world.  It caused me to lose sleep and everything. The truth is, there is nothing I can do to make her feel better or feel differently.  (She even told me that herself.)

Our relationship has evolved since placement, and I've resisted certain changes.  I resisted like crazy.  And that led to mistakes.  

I learned that I need to let her be her and to let go of my self-imposed feelings of responsibility regarding her choices.

If she needs to have space to do whatever it is she needs to do, I should be ok with that.  And I am ok with it... to a certain extent.  But I still miss her.

I am learning to let go and it's difficult.  (Just so we're clear: I'm not letting go of her, I'm letting go of my anxiety which is caused by me wanting everything in her life to be ok.) I know she needs space so I now resist the urge to text her all the time.  I resist the urge to invite her on every little outing we go on.  I am also learning to resist the urge to take certain things personally.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm learning.  I just pray she can be patient with me while I do it.

Birth Mother's Day is coming!

Birth Mother's Day is May 8th and it is coming up! Be sure to not forget that special birth mom in your life.  Tell her with flowers, a note, a text, or click here for other great gift ideas.

There is also an Adoption Celebration Walk on Saturday, May 8th.  Meet at the Provo High School track at 10:00am.

Oh, and as a matter of motherly pride, I must also tell you that my son Liam recently modeled for the r house couture.  :)  (see below) They have wonderful gifts that you could use for Birth Mother's Day as well! 

Advice for Waiting Couples (from a Birth Mom)

The following is by Jill Elizabeth.  Jill is a birth mom who placed her daughter last fall, after parenting for 9 weeks.  She has a wonderful blog called "The Happiest Sad" and wrote this post for couples who are hoping to adopt.  ("Roo" is her daughter's nickname, "P&M" refer to her adoptive couple.) 
Re-published with permission

I first started this blog as a record for Roo. I wanted her to know where she came from, how she came to be with her family, and what sort of person her birth mom was.

It's grown since then. I would have figured I'd hear from birth moms about my blog. I've heard from more adoptive couples than anything, which has been great. I've gained a new perspective and a better appreciation of couples who adopt.

I would never presume to speak for every birth mom or potential birth mom out there. I only speak for myself. But, that said, I am a birth mom (and I have birth mom friends). I went through the process of looking at couple profiles and trying to choose parents for my baby. I saw a lot of profiles that were very well done ... and some that were a turn-off. No couple's profile or blog should be a turn-off! No couple sets out to make themselves unappealing. But it happens sometimes because they simply don't know what to say - or what not to say. As such, I offer the following suggestions (for blogs, profiles, meetings with potential birth moms, and relationships with your child’s birth mom).

Meetings and Relationships
-Don’t make promises you won’t/can’t keep – forever. When in doubt, don’t promise. In that vein, don’t start something you can’t keep up. As in business, it’s best to underpromise and overdeliver.

-Remember, when planning for openness, that things will be very different once placement is done. Your feelings about contact and/or the relationship will likely change. This is why it’s best to avoid overpromising.

-When in doubt, err on the side of too much contact with the birth mom. There almost can’t be too many pictures or updates or input or visits. The birth mom will let you know if you need to back off. Just because something may hurt a birth mom (baby shower, court date, sealing, etc) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer her the chance to be there. Not being invited can hurt worse.

-Be open and honest to a fault – COMMUNICATE. Don’t ever let communication between you and your birth mom get awkward or stressful. Love her and trust her enough to be honest, open and communicative. (P and M excel at this, which I love.)

-Remember, when you’re going to meet with a potential birth mom, that she is as nervous as you are. Gifts are nice, but she’s not going to expect it, and if you do want to bring her something, keep it inexpensive and neutral. Flowers are good. You don’t want her to feel like you’re plying her with gifts to get her to choose you.

-Relax. Don’t try to sell yourself or be pressuring. Just get to know her for her, not for her baby. If you happen to have the exact same tastes and views as she does, great. But don’t pretend you do to try to get her to like you. Be yourselves.

-For the love of all that is good and decent, don’t refer to her pregnancy as “unwanted.” Unplanned does not mean unwanted. Don’t ever lose sight of the fact that birth moms choose adoption out of love, not because they don’t want their babies.

-Pray every night for your birth mother, whether you’ve met her yet or not. Pray before you meet with a potential birth mom. Follow the Spirit. Don’t let your desire to be parents override your feelings. If a situation isn’t right, you’ll know. Remember, you’re not just looking for A baby, you’re looking for YOUR baby.

-Don’t take it personally if you meet with a potential birth mother – even if you meet more than once, and e-mail and talk – and she doesn’t choose you. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you or that you’ve done anything wrong. The couples I met with but didn’t choose couldn’t have made a better impression on me. They just weren’t my baby’s family.

For Blogs and/or Profiles
-Proofread, please. You don’t have to be the world’s best writers or even have a knack for spelling. But when you’ve typed “ans” instead of “and” and not fixed it, it just looks lazy. Not every birth mom is going to be as picky as I was, but the first thing I noticed about P and M’s profile (after their picture) is that it didn’t contain any glaring errors. I appreciated that.

-If you’ve adopted before, mention what things are like with that birth mom – how open is the adoption? If you’ve got pictures of her with your child, that’s awesome. Post them! Birth moms want to know that they won’t be dumped after placement.

-Speaking of pictures, please please please have some nice ones taken for your profile. They don’t have to be glamour shots, and you don’t need to be Photoshopped, but do try to look your best. Be yourself and have fun in your pictures, but birth moms don’t want to see your his-and-hers “white trash” Halloween costumes.

-Do you enjoy hunting and fishing? Good for you, and go ahead and mention it. Maybe your birth mom does, too. But maybe she doesn’t. And she might find your blog a bit off-putting if it contains multiple pictures of bloody, entrail-strewn deer carcasses or slimy large-mouth bass. I’m going to put high-risk activities in this category, too. If you enjoy 4-wheeling, that’s fine. But please don’t post pictures of the gory flesh wound on your back from the last time you crashed. A birth mom wants to feel that her baby will be safe and protected, and that the baby’s parents will live long lives, unmarred by any sort of horrible accident or disfigurement.

-If you waited several years after marriage before trying to conceive, keep it to yourself. I’m REALLY not proud of this, but there are a few profiles that mentioned that and my knee-jerk reaction was, “Well, you should have considered your fertility ten years ago when you were young and ‘enjoying it just being the two of us’ and travelling the world and building up your careers!” Whether you did or not is your business, and it’s not my place to judge (although obviously that didn’t stop me). But you might want to keep it to yourself.

-Blog! Update at least monthly, too. If you haven’t updated in 10 months, a birth mom might wonder if you’re no longer hoping to adopt, or if you’ve dropped off the face of the earth. You might feel like you have nothing to say. Make something up. Are you wondering how “Lost” is going to end? What did you think of the latest Twilight movie? Blog about it. A blog is a great chance to really be yourselves and show potential birth moms what your lives are like and what great parents you would be.

And Finally …
Try to anticipate what kinds of questions a birth mom might ask. What would you want to know about a couple if you were in her place? Here’s a messy, random list of some things you might want to mention.

-Will she be a stay-at-home-mom?
-Do you have any family traditions you hope to carry on?
-Do you have a nursery set up (are you ready, right now, for a baby)?
-Do you have any pets?
-Any plans to move in the next 10 years?
-Do you attend the temple regularly? What are your church callings? Do you have Family Home Evening every Monday night?
-Do you have immediate and/or extended family living in the area? (Roo has tons of family nearby, and I love it.)
-Besides infertility, have you overcome any other hardships/adversity? What did it/they teach you?
-Do you have any experience with adoption? Do you know anyone who has adopted, or anyone who was adopted?
-What would adopting a child mean to you? You can’t oversell how precious a child would be, although you'll want to avoid sounding desperate, as though your lives are empty and worthless because you aren't parents yet.

Overall, be yourselves. You don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to take any of the advice I've given. Odds are, your child's birth mother will love you anyway, warts and all.